I must be worth about a billion dollars right now - because that is how I feel.
Yesterday marked exactly one month since the Joel & I separated, and it still amazes me that I have just evolved into someone I can actually respect. I dropped off my application to the Attorney General for child support. I have been praying constantly asking for help & guidance in my divorce, and God has continuously blessed me with insight & help from even the least likely of sources. This only furthers my resolve that I have made the right decision.
Making the right choices has become some sort of craft to me - looking at the situation with eyes wide open and knowing that even if it isn't easy, I can and will make the right choice. My life was never meant to be painless, but I was born & bred to do my best and survive even the hardest trials in life. I can honestly say that God blessed me with one of the greatest fathers anyone has ever had - and I would like to thank my family & friends for all of their support during this time. You all have helped me see that I am worth more then I had been made to believe for so long & helped me to find the courage, strength, hope, and love in myself again. Thank you - your friendship, love, & support have humbled me to my very core.
I have made so many discoveries about life & myself recently, but one of the most valuable things I have come to realize is that I have the power. I have the power to say enough is enough, the power to modify my behavior to become the person I believe I was truly meant to be, and the power to keep my heart open & just as filled with love as it ever was. At first I was blinded by all the pain, I wanted to shut everyone out of my life & heart - I did this for YEARS. But I have come to realize that a guarded heart of stone may not feel pain - but it wont feel love either.
I have had the benefit of seeing several of the greatest people struggle with the very same situation I am in - and regardless of how they treated me as a result of their inner turmoil, I still love them and see the goodness in them. When they hurt, I hurt for them too. When they cry, I want to cry too. When they want to lash out in anger for the wrongs done to them, I become angry at the injustice and want to protect them. I want to tell my friends that they are worth their weight in gold to me, and that everyone in their life should treat them like that. That is who I am, and NO ONE can take that away from me.
Yes, sometimes it is very hard to be positive and courageous - but I know that is what God wants from me. I know that, like a car wreck, I have people looking at me - waiting for me to stumble, be vulnerable, or break down. And I cant say I wont slip, but what I can say is that I know I have God there to pick me up and my wonderful friends & family to help me along my journey. I am looking forward to the adventure that is living on my own. I am excited about fixing up my house and doing "boring" things - like giving the puppies a bath, going to the park, listening to the rain fall outside, and just seeing life for the beautiful thing is really is. I have been gone far too long... I hope you all can welcome me back with open arms.