ALRIGHT SOLDIER I want you to listen the HELL up because I'm only going to tell you this ONCE. Do you know how many second chances you get on the battlefield? Well the answer is ZERO so you'd better goddamn well keep that in mind. As to what's actually going on here, it's just that there's a minor, um, "happening" going on at one of our bases way out in the middle of nowhere, and we're just sending you out to do a little cleanup. That's all.

I don't want to scare you soldier, but I've got to clear the air on something. Now rumors may be going around that this, er, "happening" is directly connected to the, shall we say, "underworld." And that man's folly has led him to unwittingly unleash untold horrors from beyond our dimension upon all of us us. WELL THAT'S NOT TRUE OKAY? This just has something to do with, uh... swamp gas and the horrid conditions this base is under. Which are only the result of some unfortunate budget cutbacks that you can blame on the "save the trees" crowd or some bullhonky like that. Is this why we're sending you on this mission with nothing but a pistol and no armor? Why yes it is! But don't worry, you'll be able to scrounge up whatever you need once you get there, much like the way we intend to have you aquire your meals from now on soldier.

Now PAY ATTENTION because when you go out there to clean things up there will actually be things to CLEAN UP, does that make sense soldier?! I thought so. So look real closely...

Pfft, look at this guy! You can take him down, no problem! He's armed with the same crappy pistol we've given you! He's going to get crushed no matter what he does! Also, you may have noticed how he and absolutely everyone else inside this base appear to have been "possesed" somehow. Well that's probably nothing, don't worry about it.

You know the standard-issue marine shotgun, the one we claim can take a human head apart with a single shell? Right, well that's total hogwash soldier, I swear.

And while you're at it, take a look at THIS guy! He's completly naked! Okay maybe he doesn't have much to be embarassed about, but look at that! No nose! How can someone fight without a nose?!

Some light jogging out to be all it takes to take this guy down soldier! Haha, but seriously, have you ever been to the burn ward at sick bay? No, you're not missing anything, really. I just thought I'd ask was all....

Pink? Honestly?! Pink is a girl's color for crying out loud! And those pants or whatever make this guy look like a homeless person! Ha! Honestly, so what if this guy is hilariously muscled up? He's probably a total pansy. I wouldn't worry about his hands glowing either.

Wuh.... uh, well, size doesn't matter, right soldier? Haha. No really though, nothing to worry about here! I'm sure that isn't a gun the size of your body grafted to his arm, really! Say, have you met my daughter? She's a real peach she is. Really friendly and, uh, such. Before you go on this mission, why don't you take my personal jeep for the weekend? Take my daughter on a nice trip, I really don't mind! Have a ball, on me!

It might seem unfair to you that you're being sent to a base millions of miles from home with next to no armament while the rest of us stay here completely safe, but try to remember that you're doing this for your country! This small, unimportiant, and probably not guaranteed to be deadly mission! And don't worry, if you get in trouble this guy will be along real soon to help you out: