Everyone has their ups and downs as it just so happens to be the pattern of human emotion. Never will there be a constant. I'm sure there are plateaus and such, prolonged periods of happiness or of sadness. What I've fond to be most interesting though about the human condition is our own infatuation with an emotional status. While we revel in happiness we lust and greed for more, bringing about an eventual downfall, and just when we hit rock bottom, we like to dig deeper. I'd like to sometimes imagine that there is a bottom, but somehow, in some way things can always get worse. "The worst has yet to come," they say, however anticipating the worst may possibly be that which has yet to pass, and if that's the case, what could be worse?
Lately, I've been analyzing the human condition, and though I'm certain I will forever be known for turning life itself into the biggest laughing matter within existence, being both the delivery and the punchline, however. it never fails to depress me. We are a sad species, driven into a hole by trivialities that are apparently more of a hardship than anyone has ever faced. To place perspective on the situation, 100 years ago, technology began take it's grip on humanity, rather than the other way around as intended. Modern conveniences today which we could never imagine living without, weren't even imagined. You worked 16 hours a day, 6 days a week from the time you were 7 until your conscription into the military, again to return to long hours of physical labor at near slave wages. We got by.
As reality would have it, we've always hated each other, but it's always in the name of love. We hate you because you do something, or believe something, or like something different. So we must hate you, but only because of the strong love we have for you, because we're saving you. Quickly though, we vehemently hate, with no reason to love, or to feign any other interest besides imposing our own. As a collective, if you're not like us, we don't like you. It's not so different on a personal level either.
On a personal level we all have our prejudices and prejudgments, and some of us have learned to not act on them. In fact, if you attended a public school, you were indoctrinated to ignore such things, and it's good thing too. However I can help but feel it's only good in the sense that indoctrinating children to believe something they might necessarily not in the future, hadn't they been brainwashed, only to benefit the development of mankind as a whole. I think of myself though as a type of chaotic neutral. The idea fits nicely on paper, but it somehow doesn't translate. Christian children are taught by the story of Jesus to love everyone, yet they hate: gays, jews, other denominations of their own faith, muslims, hindus, and those goddamn atheists, because only a fool denies god, and that's the worst kind of human. And it's the same for every religious faith. Then beyond that Americans are taught that we're the strength in the arms of the world, that we're the best, and everyone needs and should love and respect us. And it's the same for every other country. Every child is taught to love one another, but hate all the others. Worst of all, it's on two different planes, religious and nationalist.
We can dig deeper. Religions hate themselves because of sects. Sunnis hate Shi'a. Catholics hate Protestants. Nations hate themselves because of subculture. There are almost no definitive rivalries between subcultures because each subculture hates all the rest. Worst of all no one really understands their own subculture, only their stereotypes. Think for a moment about what you're perceived to be, and then wonder, do you, or anyone else for that matter, even know what that means?
I've been called many things: a punk, a metalhead, a goth, a geek, a gamer, a nerd etc. But what am I? I am everything you don't want me to be. Truly, I am a parasite which feeds off of your negativity. I love feeling your negative emotions. This is a recent self-discovery. It's why I flock to help people. It's why I surround myself with skeptics and misanthropes. However, the interesting thing is I didn't choose this. Growing up in negativity, I simply grew used to it. Like a human, I conformed. I grew to see things pessimistically, and this was my only indoctrination that actually worked, the misfire was the only hit. Where forced ideas such as nationalism, religion, loving equally etc failed, the unintentional prevailed. The reason behind this of course is simple. There was always fighting for as long as I could remember, and while as I child I did cope with it, it was existent in the background. Meanwhile, nationalism teaches you to hate everyone else, religion teaches you to hate the other faiths, and equality teaches you that there is a hierarchy that you will conform to. Though I even failed to hate the intended targets, I learned the value of hate none the less. In fact, I ended up hating that which taught me to do so.
Now that I have realized why I am the way I am is it possible to change it? Can I be as positive as the ignorant child I once was? Unfortunately, it's doubtful I ever could. It's not so unfortunate though to me. That which shackles me now shall free me later. And it will be from within those shackles that I gained my strength, my advantage over all else to persevere in the darkest of times. It will be then that I triumph over this existence and have the will to laugh at the fallen. I will have the fortitude to stare catastrophe in the face and say, "I've dug deeper." Though now, I wish to scream in sheer frustration, in anger, in hate, in sadness, in depression... though now I consider my greatest achievements are not killing anyone and not killing myself... though now I wish to wish my life away, to create havoc, a chaos greater than what couild be known, I will persevere and overcome this, and I will best humankind. I will best these chains and use them to my advantage.
Soon it will be my turn. Soon I'll have my chance. And then, when it comes again, I can laugh, because I've been through all 9 circles of hell, and will never be the same for it, for I will always be stronger.
I see the horizon, but it does not see me... not yet.
-Rabidus