This will be simple, and short. I feel kinda bad when I leave GS for copious amounts of time... I guess this blog has always been my escape, a way to write down my thoughts without anyone I know personally to see. Though it's been used as a tool to destroy friendships, troll random theists who stumble upon it, and anything else eventful that's happened, it really has been my little private quarter. A slight cry out to a passsing world, and of all places, a gaming website? Honestly, what have I been thinking?

Anyway, I'm finished with high school. I'll be attending RIT in the fall, pursuing a degree in Digital Cinema.

I will be attending Comic-Con in about a weeks time, and will be cosplaying as Vamp from MGS4.

I think I'm only going to use this blog for exclusively things relevant to geek culture.

Keep an eye out for me in the future. It's mine to hold now.

-Rabidus

Everyone has their ups and downs as it just so happens to be the pattern of human emotion. Never will there be a constant. I'm sure there are plateaus and such, prolonged periods of happiness or of sadness. What I've fond to be most interesting though about the human condition is our own infatuation with an emotional status. While we revel in happiness we lust and greed for more, bringing about an eventual downfall, and just when we hit rock bottom, we like to dig deeper. I'd like to sometimes imagine that there is a bottom, but somehow, in some way things can always get worse. "The worst has yet to come," they say, however anticipating the worst may possibly be that which has yet to pass, and if that's the case, what could be worse?

Lately, I've been analyzing the human condition, and though I'm certain I will forever be known for turning life itself into the biggest laughing matter within existence, being both the delivery and the punchline, however. it never fails to depress me. We are a sad species, driven into a hole by trivialities that are apparently more of a hardship than anyone has ever faced. To place perspective on the situation, 100 years ago, technology began take it's grip on humanity, rather than the other way around as intended. Modern conveniences today which we could never imagine living without, weren't even imagined. You worked 16 hours a day, 6 days a week from the time you were 7 until your conscription into the military, again to return to long hours of physical labor at near slave wages. We got by.

As reality would have it, we've always hated each other, but it's always in the name of love. We hate you because you do something, or believe something, or like something different. So we must hate you, but only because of the strong love we have for you, because we're saving you. Quickly though, we vehemently hate, with no reason to love, or to feign any other interest besides imposing our own. As a collective, if you're not like us, we don't like you. It's not so different on a personal level either.

On a personal level we all have our prejudices and prejudgments, and some of us have learned to not act on them. In fact, if you attended a public school, you were indoctrinated to ignore such things, and it's good thing too. However I can help but feel it's only good in the sense that indoctrinating children to believe something they might necessarily not in the future, hadn't they been brainwashed, only to benefit the development of mankind as a whole. I think of myself though as a type of chaotic neutral. The idea fits nicely on paper, but it somehow doesn't translate. Christian children are taught by the story of Jesus to love everyone, yet they hate: gays, jews, other denominations of their own faith, muslims, hindus, and those goddamn atheists, because only a fool denies god, and that's the worst kind of human. And it's the same for every religious faith. Then beyond that Americans are taught that we're the strength in the arms of the world, that we're the best, and everyone needs and should love and respect us. And it's the same for every other country. Every child is taught to love one another, but hate all the others. Worst of all, it's on two different planes, religious and nationalist.

We can dig deeper. Religions hate themselves because of sects. Sunnis hate Shi'a. Catholics hate Protestants. Nations hate themselves because of subculture. There are almost no definitive rivalries between subcultures because each subculture hates all the rest. Worst of all no one really understands their own subculture, only their stereotypes. Think for a moment about what you're perceived to be, and then wonder, do you, or anyone else for that matter, even know what that means?

I've been called many things: a punk, a metalhead, a goth, a geek, a gamer, a nerd etc. But what am I? I am everything you don't want me to be. Truly, I am a parasite which feeds off of your negativity. I love feeling your negative emotions. This is a recent self-discovery. It's why I flock to help people. It's why I surround myself with skeptics and misanthropes. However, the interesting thing is I didn't choose this. Growing up in negativity, I simply grew used to it. Like a human, I conformed. I grew to see things pessimistically, and this was my only indoctrination that actually worked, the misfire was the only hit. Where forced ideas such as nationalism, religion, loving equally etc failed, the unintentional prevailed. The reason behind this of course is simple. There was always fighting for as long as I could remember, and while as I child I did cope with it, it was existent in the background. Meanwhile, nationalism teaches you to hate everyone else, religion teaches you to hate the other faiths, and equality teaches you that there is a hierarchy that you will conform to. Though I even failed to hate the intended targets, I learned the value of hate none the less. In fact, I ended up hating that which taught me to do so.

Now that I have realized why I am the way I am is it possible to change it? Can I be as positive as the ignorant child I once was? Unfortunately, it's doubtful I ever could. It's not so unfortunate though to me. That which shackles me now shall free me later. And it will be from within those shackles that I gained my strength, my advantage over all else to persevere in the darkest of times. It will be then that I triumph over this existence and have the will to laugh at the fallen. I will have the fortitude to stare catastrophe in the face and say, "I've dug deeper." Though now, I wish to scream in sheer frustration, in anger, in hate, in sadness, in depression... though now I consider my greatest achievements are not killing anyone and not killing myself... though now I wish to wish my life away, to create havoc, a chaos greater than what couild be known, I will persevere and overcome this, and I will best humankind. I will best these chains and use them to my advantage.

Soon it will be my turn. Soon I'll have my chance. And then, when it comes again, I can laugh, because I've been through all 9 circles of hell, and will never be the same for it, for I will always be stronger.

I see the horizon, but it does not see me... not yet.

-Rabidus

I've logged on at random times throughout this year thinking to myself, "Maybe I should update?" Obviously until now, then answer has been a frequented "No," however something just kind of ticked today, I suppose. I'm unsure why, after almost a year, I was suddenly compelled to write a new blog entry, and I'm not sure where I want to even go with this. After a year of saying, "This isn't news worthy," on a weekly basis, lookcing back now, it was all pretty big. I've hit extreme highs and extreme lows, and unfotunately, on this bumpy road of life, the lows have been in adaquate abundance.

Everything has come and gone so quickly, like quick jabs, but only in retrospect. Each even took forever to pass, as if time took a break to amplify each and every moment to its grimmist extent. I've watched a life I built for myself crumble beneath my feet and rebuild elsewhere. I've wandered through a barrenous depression begging for help, only for the opposite to be received in its place. Built and rebuilt until finally my house of mud froze in the dead of winter.

I suppose now I will stop dramatizing everything.

It's hard for me to believe that it's already my 6 months since my trip to Japan. It was there that I was happiest. All my bane left far behind me in the States, I was somewhere I wanted to be, with people with which I fell in love. The feeling of having that clean slate, the new beginning I've been begging for, the one I've anxiously awaited, had finally come. For about two weeks I was cured of my misanthropy, and had a restored faith in humanity. I couldn't believe any of it. The people of Japan are the nicest in the entire world, not a single shread of doubt in my mind about it. Everything about Japan was blissful and I realized that I wanted to live there. A beautiful country too. Would you believe that I didn't see a single bit of litter in Tokyo? Kyoto? Anywhere? Well it's true. They're very neat. Their landscape was breathtaking, and their parks were extremely well kept. Absolute bliss.

My new optimism started to break apart upon arrival in Los Angeles though. The people were rude, but it was hard to break my spirit that quickly. However it only took about two weeks in the States to break it all for me as relations with my friends shattered. I had realized that my girlfriend of almost a year and a half was a manic depressive, and knew I could no longer deal with that. Of course, you can't stay friends after a break up anymore, apparently it just "can't be done." Ironically I'm friends again with one of my ex's who had told people after we broke up that I raped her. So... yeah... I guess that just goes to show how forgiving I am. Not to digress, but of course after the break up, all the people we were both friends with, sided with her, despite some claiming to be "neutral." Even one who I've been friends with for 6 years. It was around here that my faith had been broken in humanity. I had been accused of cheating, which was untrue, despite me saying so they chose to believe I was. Naturally, being the insensitive **** I am, after a solid two weeks of hearing this accusation again and again, I just asked the girl out who I had apparently been cheating with anyways. It's funny that they had accused me of cheating with her, considering she was a lesbian. Hahahahaha....

I eventually rebuilt my relationship with two of my other friends, who I'm unsure why I was never best friends with to beforehand, but regardless, Ian, Gooch and now Jamiey are my new family. I spend much time at their apartment, and despite the lack of room, I may possibly move in with them.

You see, around this time last year, my sister, being the dumbass she is, racked up a huge amount of credit card debt. My mother, who's also not so bright, decided it was best for her to move back in to our house. Hell was about to break loose. First, in August... July...? Somewhere around those, after only about 4-5 months of living with her again, my mom moved out, unable to stand my nuisance of a sister. I hate her. She is #1 on my most hated list by a long shot. If you read American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis, my thoughts of her are akin to those of Patrick Bateman. I don't think I need to say anymore. Good book by the way.

There has been more fighting with people in my life than need be. Mostly my mother. I cannot wait to be free of her bull****.

Fortunately for my I got accepted into RIT (Rochester Institute of Technology), and their Digital Cinema program none-the-less. For the benefit of the uninformed, RIT is among one of the top 25 colleges in the United States and their Bachelor's of Science in Digital Cinema is one of very few found in the world. Go me. Classes start September 7th and I will be out of this hell hole hopefully a few months beforehand.

And, in other news, my friends and I have decided to substitute our senior trip for Comic-Con. So I'ze be goin' to that! I believe I'm going to cosplay as Vamp from MGS4, which was by far the greatest game ever. (I finally got that PS3, btw.)

The moral of the story is this: I win. End of story. I've done my best, I've tried to be kind in hopes of reciprocated kindness, which of course never happens. I've been taking life's **** for years now and I only have to tread for a few more months through it before I can finally receive my just reward for tolerating it all.

In the words of Wayne Cambell, "It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine."

-Rabidus

"If I wanted the world to burn, I'd burn it
If I wanted you dead, I'd kill you
If change was in reach, I'd change it
However, given the circumstances,
I'm too perfectly content watching it happen without my interference"

- A little something I wrote

Oh! Post-note, I got a snake! He is a ball python named Ekans and if I wasn't lazy I'd post pictures of him!