Warning: This blog is a delirious stream of consciousness. I felt like writing it because I have so many thoughts twisting and turning in my head and I had to let some of them out before my brain explodes. It is going to be quite depressing so if you do not feel like reading it/commenting it do not mind...I won't be offended.

"Right now I just would like to vanish, to dissolve in a bajillion coloured bubbles reflecting the light that you can see only in those chilly and sunny days in winter when the sky is so clear that it seems to be within easy reach. I would like to vanish leaving behind a scent of flowers and the sweet feeling you have when you wake up from a particularly pleasant dream and you struggle to protect this sensation from the insignificant greyness of reality." (this is a passage from my unfinished novel)

I've been offered a job. Normally unemployed people like me should be happy...I'm not. They proposed me to work as the personal secretary of a famous physician and they want me to start right away. I feel totally unprepared for this. I have no confidence in myself and in my potential...and I'm not used to this. At school I was the best student of the whole institute. I always had the best grades (on average 9.78/10) without too much effort. I knew my potential, I was confident and I knew exactly what I could do and what I could not do. It was so relaxing. Now that I'm a so-called "adult" and I have a University degree...all this confidence is gone. People keep telling me that I'm special, that I'm good, that I can achieve anything...but I cannot believe them. I do not feel so special, so peculiar.

I feel lost. I have been taught that hard work and commitment always lead to achievements. "With your God-given talent and the tools we are giving you, you will be able to make all your wishes come true!!!!"...It was a lie . I worked hard to finish University in a short time with the best possible grades...all for nothing...it did not save from the humiliation of working for a wage of 300€/month or to have to beg for any kind of job at work agencies alongside with people with tragic ups and downs that made me feel guilty for being depressed about such little things. Now I have this opportunity I am not ready for. I always put all my trust in the importance of education...I'm no longer so sure it is of any use. And I am bitter about that.

My dream was not so ambitious, nor exceptional: I'd like a job that does not make me want to puke every time I think about it and that allows me to live with dignity. I wanted to be an organizer of incentive travels. No way I can do it in my hometown. I would have to move and that would imply asking more money to my over-exploited parents who always made sacrifices for me. And in this period no agency hires people. At the same time, I'd love to have a family, to give my parents the chance to be awesome grandparents someday, to have my friends and the persons I love close to me. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.

So I'm going to take this job even if I'm disgusted by the person I will have to work with. I'm going to take it because it's an opportunity. I'm going to take it because my parents were so proud when I told them I had been chosen for a tryout. I'm going to take it because the salary is good and in this period and context money became more important than ever. I'm going to take it because people expect me to take it, and I can't let them down. I've always been the perfect daughter, sister, grand daughter, student...and now I can't escape people's expectations. Maybe this means I'm a coward who chooses the easiest path...or maybe I'm courageous because I put other people feelings before mine...

I envy people who are not lead to dream big...they have realistic expectations and they are never let down.

I envy dreamers, because they're not affected by the problems of reality...money, job, bills, loans...(let's note that I worry about that even if I do not have these problems YET)

It was so easy being a child.

If you took the time to read this, I'm sorry it was so messy and depressing... I'm not always so whiney...

Take care and keep believing in dreams as much as you can...