This is a list of the greatest things ever to grace our lowly planet. Everyone I know will definitely agree that the following list is just too staggeringly awsome to contemplate without blowing their minds!!!
Best Movie EVER:
"Return of the Killer Tomatoes" has George Clooney, genetically-engineered tomatoes that look human, and the best product placement of any movie ever made. If you haven't seen it, do not hesitate!!! Rent it NOW!
Best Novel EVER:
C'mon, now... novelizations of popular games are the pinnacle of literary genius. They take everything a game offers, and change it to make it 1000% better!!!
Best Hardware EVER:
The best computer ever made. You plug it in, turn it on... and nothing happens! Genius! Since it does nothing, your software is never incompatible, your hardware add-ons never fail, and it never crashes, locks up or BSODs!!!
Best Software EVER:
The ultimate OS!!! It ditches those messy drivers on shut-down (saving disk space) and gives you a genuine appreciation for the color blue!!! What's not to love?!?
Best Game EVER:
It has E.T., Reese's Pieces, and puzzles that would make any hard-core gamer truly appreciate the brilliant design of the game!!! Best of all, it can be had cheap (if you know where the left-overs are being safely stored... after all, this much awesome may be hazardous to the general public)!!!
Best Band EVER:
Absolutely the most underappreciated band of all time!!! So what if they didn't play any music... or sing their own songs? So what if the **** purists yanked their Grammy?!? They were GENIUSES!!!
Best Person EVER:
C'mon... so what if he asked his friends to start a race war so he could rule the world? Who can fault a guy for wanting to get ahead in the world?!?
(Honorable mentions: Rod Blagojevich, Lindsey Lohan)
Well... that's it... any more and your monitor will explode trying to contain the sheer incredibleness of this list!!!
I hereby declare this day... being the first day of the month of April... to be "Best EVER Appreciation Day." Have a good one, and enjoy yourselves!!! 
Comments
I've never understood what WAS so bad about ET? I've only heard hearsay that it is a terrible game without finding out why.
I got the idea for this on Sunday when I was listening to "Virtual XI" yet again, trying to crystallize my impressions of it (it's definitely tricky to pin down one way or the other). I take off my headphones, and am about to give up, when I think, "Well, at least it's not Milli Vanilli..."
Hmmm... April 1st is in a few days... never liked that "Girl You Know It's True" song...
The hardest part was finding a picture of Charles Manson without the carving on his forehead.
@Foolz3h: I thought "Return" would be okay, too. The problem is, it tries too hard to be the 1st one, so it left out much of the ridiculousness that made "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" a so-bad-it's-good treasure. Oh, and it put me off of Pepsi for life.
@bacchus2: I played it as a kid. The major game mechanic (that ET could use his powers, but lose life doing it) made many of the puzzles impossible, and eating the little black dots (Reese's Pieces) didn't return enough health to complete the game.
@darfvader: Anything Toho Studios puts out is automatically great (watch "Godzilla 2000"... great movie, sorely underappreciated).
@kevin091: Our family almost got one of those, but my father went with a Commodore instead... something to do with wanting something other than "an expensive paperweight."
@BlueBirdTS: Somehow, I missed the movie w/ Mecha-Godzilla.
@volcomstoner: That was just inspiration on the fly... along with Blagojevich.
@hokies and raven: The toughest part of this list was writing it... I was laughing so hard, I could barely type.
@floristandbicyc: I've never heard of that one... is it up there with "Trolls 2," "Ninja in the Deadly Trap," and "Killer Klowns?" Or on the opposite end of the B-spectrum (so bad, it's actually BAD)?
@FLEEBS: Thank you!
This was perfect.
Foolz3h