"I suggest you all start signing up for the SATs soon": A quote from a guidance counselor who ran a college preparation presentation in front of our class one day. It was the first time thoughts of college penetrated my mind and actually began taking its toll. I was a Junior in High School during this instance, ironically enrolled in a Catholic all-boys school. What bothered me the most about college was not moving three and a half hours away from home; surrounded by strangers, making friends, or the application process, but how my sexuality would be accepted by my future peers.
Besides the surprising absence of maturity from many of my high school peers-the fart jokes, laughing when someone tripped, making fun of peoples abilities, etc., there was something that affected me above all others-their tolerance of homosexuals. Due to the school's association, you can guess the student's stance on the issue. The word gay was thrown around school as if it was going out of style. I felt like I was transported to 1692 in the Salem witch trials. People would accuse each other of being gay when they had disagreements, were demonstrating their superiority and essence of "cool", knew that specific students were gay or just because they disliked certain people. If one was branded as gay and many were convinced of this fact, they would be the subject of hurtful jokes-thankfully nothing as serious as physical contact ensued (at least not to my knowledge). Something I feared might happen, especially from stories I heard from other parts of the nation.
Whenever witnessing the word, I received a tingling sensation in my stomach-that of nausea. Not only because I was reminded of what could happen to me, but because I was worried for others. Some members of my family also stated some discouraging things about homosexuals. Due to this fact, I obviously never truly disclosed my orientation to anybody. When asked the question for why I did not have a girlfriend, I always gave the same answer; girlfriends would distract me from my studies, once I am financially stable then I will concentrate and have time for love. In the seventh grade I asked out a girl but then backed out in fear of rejection. Thus I also used that to my advantage. For those girls who I thought were good-looking, I always made sure that people heard it. It seemed to work for the most part; since I talked about business and the like, I was portrayed as being nerdy. Though here and there, smalls joke would be made implying I was gay but did not develop into fruition. Apparently I am not obvious because I still have my family fooled even though I watch HGTV, Food Network, and love to give fashion and room design advice. Actually, my mother and aunts constantly took me to the mall with them as a youngster to ask my opinion on clothes they tried on. My homosexual behaviors (actions people find uncanny for a male) have been going on for quite awhile, at a young age, around 10 or 11. There was one instance that occurred awhile before that, but I will not go into detail.
But in college it is profoundly different, student are more mature and accepting of others. They don't let petty differences distract them from what is truly important. Due to my exposure to my high school, I believed the whole world acted similarly. But thankfully, to everyone's benefit, it doesn't. We had a College Clubs Fair a couple weeks ago. I signed up for many clubs except the GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance). It kept popping up as if the kiosk was on fire. I paced back and forth, pretending I was looking for a club when I was actually contemplating whether to sign up, but I was afraid to join, thus I didn't.
As time went on, I noticed many things at college but witnessing students getting along and becoming friends with one another, no matter what their differences, was truly inspiring. Many openly disclosed their sexual orientation, and the receivers pass it by as if it was no big deal-they were completely accepting. Posting and reading messages at the Gay Gamers Union and reading articles on About.com by Ramone Johnson and others gave me confidence. About two weeks ago I decided to attend a GSA meeting, and felt very comfortable there. College gives me the courage to do things I normally wouldn't around those I knew. I am happier and feel free; that I can explore and demonstrate myself without feeling ostracized and devoting my energy to worrying about others reactions. I felt like I was imprisoned for a larger part of my life, my true self was lost within and someone or something else was taking its place.
Some might say it's unhealthy due to the fact that I am running away from my problems, on the contrary, I feel better about myself and expressing my sexuality, thus giving me the courage to eventually make known my sexuality to all.
This is not to say that my problems are solved. Even though I am happier just knowing I can express my sexuality openly, I still haven't completely-I didn't mention my sexuality to others yet, though I came close to it. And every once in a while you can here references to gays but it can largely be ignored, though it still discourages me. But with a little more time and assurance it will happen, and I will be and even happier person for it. My generation is the most diverse in U.S. history, hopefully acceptance will come along with it.
Here is a closing statement to think about: It has been over 40 years since the Civil Rights movement, yet we as people still put our differences first. Indirect segregation, institutional discrimination/general discrimination, and racism are still prevalent today. Why is that?
