Here is the story of how I got a Nintendo Wii last Sunday. No part of it is in any way fabricated, it is 100% true.

It was a cold morning on Sunday, only 4 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. There's no worse site to see than the sunrise, as man was simply not meant to wake up early on this day of rest. With a cup of coffee in one hand and a slap glove in the other, I managed to keep myself awake as I went out and got a newspaper. While sifting through the various adverts, something jumped out at me like a spring-loaded boxing glove: Circuit City had the Nintendo Wii.

There is was, mocking me with its very existence, daring me to go and get it. The store didn't open for three more hours, but I couldn't risk letting this one get away. Without thought of the mess that would result, I dropped my coffee cup and the paper onto the floor and darted outside to my car. With a prayer in my head, I hoped beyond hope this wouldn't be the day my car decided not to start. Ignoring speed-limit laws, I made it to the store in record time.

The eerie calm of the battlefield made me uneasy, as I knew an epic battle would soon unfold. It didn't take long before another car showed up and parked directly across the lot from me, challenging me for my spot. We locked eyes and revved our engines, each of us daring the other side to make the first move. Before I knew what was happening, my foot slammed on the accelerator as I sped at the enemy with incredible velocity.

The second before our head-on collision, another car came out of nowhere and crashed into the side of the enemy. There were now three of us vying for the Top Spot. While my original enemy recovered off to the side, I circled around and faced the newcomer. In an effort to taunt one another, we rolled down all of our windows and blared radio static at maximum volume. Once again, we charged at each other, and the duel was underway.

Out from the bushes ramped two cars which quickly flanked us, then side-swiped us off course. I spun around the parking lot like a hoola hoop on a hyperactive kid, but I retained my grip on the wheel. After regaining control, I turned back towards the Top Spot to find that we were all aiming towards it. The five of us all hit the accelerator and torpedoed toward the spot, wondering who would chicken out first.

But no one did.

Our five cars collided on the Top Spot with incredible force. Metal twisted like aluminum cans in a blender, glass shattered like a falling snowstorm. All of our cars were now a pile of metal and glass shards, so we had no choice but to leave their safety and have a melee out in the cold in front of the doors.

The five of us met at the door in a circle and agreed to one ground rule: no crotch shots. With a step back, we all pulled a weapon out from somewhere on our person and formed a battle stance. The older guy wielded a Guitar Hero guitar and smashed it over the young guy's head. The teenager fired the NES Zapper at the woman, but she blocked it using Link's Shield. I charged up my Super Scope and aimed it at the older guy. Noticing my actions, he quickly picked up the guitar and played a high note, piercing my ears. The young guy strapped his Virtual Boy onto the older guy, which caused him to drop his guitar in blinding pain. I shot the charged shot at the young guy, but he quickly rolled out of the way.

Meanwhile, the teenager continued firing the NES Zapper at the woman, but she proved quite capable with the shield. A shot ricocheted off the shield and creamed the teenager, knocking him to the ground. The woman clipped an N64 Bio Sensor to the teenager's ear and played Tetris very poorly, which caused his heart rate to rapidly increase. Before it increased enough to cause a heart attack, the young guy inserted a memory card into the woman's mouth and selected to format the card, thereby erasing the woman's memory. During that time, I snuck a Rumble Pak into the young guy's pants. The young guy faced me, pulled out two Dance Dance Revolution dance mats, and threw them onto the ground. We danced to the beat of music coming from an unknown source, though he was a much better dancer than I. Just when he was about to win, the Rumble Pak went off in his pants, causing him to fall to the ground.

I stood over the fallen enemies with merriment. Little did I know, the teenager was still conscious, and slowly reached for his NES Zapper. Before he could take a shot, an employee came out to stop the madness. Rather than allow this nonsense to continue for another hour out in the cold, he handed out vouchers for the Wii. The voucher guaranteed the Wii as long as it was picked up sometime that day. With that assurance, I helped the others to their feet. We all shook hands and went our separate ways, though the woman couldn't remember where she lived. I wanted to frame the voucher, but that would mean I couldn't turn it in. When I finally came home with my prize, I took care of the first order of business; I opened it up and removed the Wii Remote Jackets, then promptly burned them. After they became a steaming pile of ashes, I grabbed the mop and soaked them up, along with the coffee and paper mess I had made earlier. Satisfied that all was well, I returned to bed and slept for several more hours.

Though I bought it to play it, I don't think I'm going to. Such an effort can only be rewarded through a self-congratulatory display. Therefore, I'm going to put it on top of my house in a trophy case, for all the world to see.