Tuesday, Oct 13, 2009
An old acquaintance recently got back in contact with me. I have known him since forever and we maintained sporadic contact over the years. It was really good to hear from him and I was flattered that he sought me out. But as we have talked over the past few days, I started to feel uneasy.
It took me awhile to figure out what was bothering me so much. And it slowly dawned on me what the problem is. I think he wants me to be the same person I was ages ago when we spent a lot of time together. I have changed a lot since then. I am a different person, now.
He and his wife split, he is looking for a new job, and I think he was feeling nostalgic. He wanted to talk about the good old days. But when I look back, I don't remember of those good old days as fondly as he does. He wants to look back and reminisce, I want to look forward and continue to develop.
I don't think he knows who I am any more. I haven't found a way to tell him that without sounding cold.
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Posted Oct 13, 2009 9:20 pm PT
@FeltLyner
You are right. I have always felt that it is better to be honest than just to say something to make the other person feel better.
You are right. I have always felt that it is better to be honest than just to say something to make the other person feel better.
Posted Oct 13, 2009 9:34 pm PT
I would think it's a normal human reaction for someone going through something like this. Stay true to yourself, and if you help him move on maybe he'll be more willing to see that you have too.
Posted Oct 13, 2009 9:53 pm PT
There's always room for friendships and the like, but if your past is beginning to haunt you too much, you may want to tell him how you feel, it'd be no good to bottle it up.
Posted Oct 13, 2009 10:47 pm PT
I've totally felt that way... I still talk and e-mail with high school friends who treat me like the kid I was then, I think I've finally accepted the fact that's the way they'll always see me. It's frustrating, but they don't see me in real life, and it doesn't seem to change, so what can I do? Have them live with me so they see? No way, they'll drink all my beer and stink up my apartment.
As for this fella in your life, it sounds like given what he's going through he's looking for a little nostalgia. I had that happen to me with and old girlfriend and it totally turned me off. I think what you're feeling is spot on... you shouldn't feel bad for that either, I think we all want to be seen for who we are today, not for the person we once were, especially if you feel you've grown past that person.
As for this fella in your life, it sounds like given what he's going through he's looking for a little nostalgia. I had that happen to me with and old girlfriend and it totally turned me off. I think what you're feeling is spot on... you shouldn't feel bad for that either, I think we all want to be seen for who we are today, not for the person we once were, especially if you feel you've grown past that person.
Posted Oct 13, 2009 11:14 pm PT
Aw, at first I was really excited for you, then I was like "oh poo". I am sure he'll figure it out if you continue to talk...
Posted Oct 13, 2009 11:24 pm PT
Polsci1503 nailed it perfectly. You've made it perfectly clear in this blog that you'd prefer to stay away from him. I'm not sure that there is a warm way to tell someone you want nothing to do with them in this situation, without it being heated. I think honest is the best approach here, and to be frank, he'll probably react once he sees where you're going and try to take control anyway. People who've just been left by spouses tend not to want to see the same thing happen with others in their life, and often they attempt to regain control by not letting others leave THEM... they'll leave others.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 3:44 am PT
Just don't pretend to be somebody else, and I'm sure he'll like the new you anyway. 
Posted Oct 14, 2009 4:50 am PT
that is something I have argued/discussed before with both family and friends. there are a few with very selective memories who want the "good old days" while most of us recall that the good part of those Good old days was not enough to want a repeat of all the rest of what we went through.
and he probably will eventually drift on just as on just as he drifted in.
things come and go from time to time, at least that is what I have found to be so
and he probably will eventually drift on just as on just as he drifted in.
things come and go from time to time, at least that is what I have found to be so
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:03 am PT
@AlmightyMax
"Stay true to yourself", that is always good advice!
@aryoshi
It is never good to bottle things up. They have a way of becoming unbottled at the worst times.
@polsci1503
Exactly, he sees me the same I was way back when, and in our conversations over the years he hasn't noticed that I have changed. I feel bad that he is going through a rough patch but I am not that person any more.
"Stay true to yourself", that is always good advice!
@aryoshi
It is never good to bottle things up. They have a way of becoming unbottled at the worst times.
@polsci1503
Exactly, he sees me the same I was way back when, and in our conversations over the years he hasn't noticed that I have changed. I feel bad that he is going through a rough patch but I am not that person any more.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:36 am PT
@horseyjesse
Yeah, I was excited at first too but then I began to feel weird about it.
@Frame_Dragger
I have many wise friends here on Gamespot. I have to be honest but it is hard to say "You don't know me" and "We are really friends".
Yeah, I was excited at first too but then I began to feel weird about it.
@Frame_Dragger
I have many wise friends here on Gamespot. I have to be honest but it is hard to say "You don't know me" and "We are really friends".
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:41 am PT
@Foolz3h
I can't pretend to be someone else - I failed miserably in acting class. @iowastate
Some of the events he was remembering fondly are things that make me cringe now. But you are right about him probably drifting off. He only stayed in contact sporadically anyway.
I can't pretend to be someone else - I failed miserably in acting class. @iowastate
Some of the events he was remembering fondly are things that make me cringe now. But you are right about him probably drifting off. He only stayed in contact sporadically anyway.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:46 am PT
@MJoanne: There's no need to lie, but there's no need to "overshare" either. "You don't really know me" is bound to hurt feelings, but you clearly don't want to do that. You can play a variation of the "it's not you, it's me" breakup in a friendship. Is it more important that this guy (who lets remember, just watched a marriage go kapoof) know exactly why you don't need or want to be his nostalgia trip... or just to make this end in a civil fashion? Remember, it's not passive-aggression, since you don't have the aggressive portion. You just want to spare feelings, and move on.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:49 am PT
Sounds like you are in a tough position. Hope you figure out a way to handle it.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 7:53 am PT
Man... I hope you figure out what to do.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 8:43 am PT
@Frame_Dragger
I don't want to lie and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It is a tough line to walk.
@MsJoannaDark
I will; I just hope it is the right way.
@Slyfur
Thanks.
I don't want to lie and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It is a tough line to walk.
@MsJoannaDark
I will; I just hope it is the right way.
@Slyfur
Thanks.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 9:10 am PT
"good old days" have a different meaning to everyone and this is a good example.
you will probably have to wait this out until he fades out of sight and mind one again.
in his search for........something
you will probably have to wait this out until he fades out of sight and mind one again.
in his search for........something
Posted Oct 14, 2009 9:29 am PT
I have kind of felt that way too about older acquaintances I've run into over the years..... as time passes, people change and things won't be the way they've used to be. Each time I've run into a person whom I haven't seen in many years, it's kind of the same thing -- even though we may have talked and laughed all the time when we were younger, time apart has resulted in a lot less in common and a lot less to talk about. Still, there's a little bit of a bond there as a result of knowing that person when I was little that doesn't exist in other relationships, and maybe that can lead to something strong again. I guess there's nothing else to do but be ourselves and if that person wants to be a part of our lives, then they will adjust and like the new us as well.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 9:33 am PT
I hate to break it to you, but if he is a male human being he is of such a mind (like 90% of us) that don't understand the "bread crumbs leading to the tunnel of enlightenment" theory. Easiest way to get through is blunt, like a 2x4 to the back of the head. It stings like hell at first but its done and over with and can try to heal and move on. Women, in my experience, are much easier to let down and receptive to dropped hints then men are. I could be 100% wrong, I hope I am in this case. Be nice if no one's feelings ever got hurt.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 11:56 am PT
Not to sound like a suck-up or whatever, but I have a friend like that too. He expects me to be the same old person that I was a while back. Unfortunatley, I didn't find a good way to solve the problem. Mostly I avoid him like the Black Plague. I hope that things turn out for the best and that you can find a way to tell him what you want to.
Sorry I couldn't help more.
Mostly I avoid him like the Black Plague. I hope that things turn out for the best and that you can find a way to tell him what you want to.Sorry I couldn't help more.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 12:32 pm PT
@kfjl
I hope it leads to something strong again. The new me is a lot different from the old me.
@ImaginaryFriend
You made me laugh! I was blunt and he was upset at first. But a friend was around to back me up, and I think it will be OK.
@twilightlullaby
Well, I think I took care of it. I was blunt. I told him that I was a different person and he didn't know me anymore. Then I was extremely blunt and told him that I considered him only an acquaintance and he needed to get to know the real me before we could be friends again. He was mad at first, but I think it will be OK.
I hope it leads to something strong again. The new me is a lot different from the old me.
@ImaginaryFriend
You made me laugh! I was blunt and he was upset at first. But a friend was around to back me up, and I think it will be OK.
@twilightlullaby
Well, I think I took care of it. I was blunt. I told him that I was a different person and he didn't know me anymore. Then I was extremely blunt and told him that I considered him only an acquaintance and he needed to get to know the real me before we could be friends again. He was mad at first, but I think it will be OK.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 1:34 pm PT
Awesome socks. Remember now C is for Cookie & that's good enough for me.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 2:04 pm PT
AWww, I'm sorry fou feel that way.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 2:18 pm PT
Sorry to hear about it. Whenever I find myself in a hard situation like this I usually plow through and wait for the pain/awkwardness to end.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 3:59 pm PT
@Subterranean500
Thank you. We are talking and he says he understands. That makes me feel much better.
@VelociBlade
We think a lot alike. I actually think it will work out this way.
Thank you. We are talking and he says he understands. That makes me feel much better.
@VelociBlade
We think a lot alike. I actually think it will work out this way.
Posted Oct 14, 2009 6:44 pm PT
When things start to go bad, we often look back to earlier "easier" times. It's easy to miss those times. It is then a decision of if we want to progress forward or not. Needless to say, progression is necessary (can't have us all in diapers, can we?). If you see him again, would it be possible to show him that those times are only possible in memory?
(Sorry about the tardy, I'm working on it!)
(Sorry about the tardy, I'm working on it!)
Posted Oct 15, 2009 3:57 am PT
@MJoanne: Good for you, following your instincts and making this happen. Just remember that this worked out well for the next time you're apprehensive.
@ImaginaryFriend: It's scary how true your 4x4 analogy is... the brightest of us are still horribly thick sometimes lol.
@ImaginaryFriend: It's scary how true your 4x4 analogy is... the brightest of us are still horribly thick sometimes lol.
Posted Oct 15, 2009 5:10 am PT
@korino55
I think he was looking back to happy times because he hit a rough patch. But his happy time was a time when I was a very angry person. Events he remembered as funny, I look back on and cringe. But I think it is working out. (No problem about the tardy)
@Frame_Dragger
Your comment made me chuckle - it reminded me of a teacher I had. He was always trying to encourage me to come out of my shell. I feel like I should respond "Yes, Mr. Dragger."
I think he was looking back to happy times because he hit a rough patch. But his happy time was a time when I was a very angry person. Events he remembered as funny, I look back on and cringe. But I think it is working out. (No problem about the tardy)
@Frame_Dragger
Your comment made me chuckle - it reminded me of a teacher I had. He was always trying to encourage me to come out of my shell. I feel like I should respond "Yes, Mr. Dragger."
Posted Oct 15, 2009 10:40 am PT
@Frame_Dragger
4x4?!?! How big is your head good man?!?! I simply said a 2x4, 4x4 would knock me out and probably have short term memory loss, it would be worse than dropping hints, so blunt it sent me back in time!
4x4?!?! How big is your head good man?!?! I simply said a 2x4, 4x4 would knock me out and probably have short term memory loss, it would be worse than dropping hints, so blunt it sent me back in time!
Posted Oct 15, 2009 1:06 pm PT
Maybe if you told him what you told us. Sounds pretty honest and not really cold to me.
@ImaginaryFriend, Interesting comment. My wife always thinks I'm leaving hints for her and I'm not, ever. I wouldn't know how. Then she wonders why I don't ever understand what she's wanting. This basic mechanic plays out on a daily basis.
@ImaginaryFriend, Interesting comment. My wife always thinks I'm leaving hints for her and I'm not, ever. I wouldn't know how. Then she wonders why I don't ever understand what she's wanting. This basic mechanic plays out on a daily basis.
Posted Oct 16, 2009 2:24 am PT
Sounds to me like your friend is going through a rough patch and he is looking for a friend that he can relate with. As for telling him how you feel, wait till his spirits have been lifted, that way it wouldn't be such a shock for him. Hope you can solve this amicably.
Posted Oct 16, 2009 7:26 am PT
@grigjd3
Sounds very classic, she's looking for bread crumbs and you can't see anything smaller than Sherman tank
Sounds very classic, she's looking for bread crumbs and you can't see anything smaller than Sherman tank
Posted Oct 16, 2009 9:43 am PT
It sounds like you've already broken the news to the poor fella. If he's really your friend he'll understand. If not, well..... people do grow apart sometimes when they get older. It's sad, but true.
Posted Oct 16, 2009 9:50 am PT
Hi Jo. Sorry so late to this blog.
I read that blog he wrote to you, and your subsequent blog, and his responses... hrm.
Sounds like he's trying to be more than nostalgic. But at any rate, it's true. He needs to understand that people adapt and change. I wouldn't look back for my high school friends and expect them to be the same people they were way back when. That's just silly.
Besides that, he was kind of pushy and militant. Well, I guess the second part's to be expected but...still. Eh, I'm just being protective. Best of luck to you.
I read that blog he wrote to you, and your subsequent blog, and his responses... hrm.
Sounds like he's trying to be more than nostalgic. But at any rate, it's true. He needs to understand that people adapt and change. I wouldn't look back for my high school friends and expect them to be the same people they were way back when. That's just silly.
Besides that, he was kind of pushy and militant. Well, I guess the second part's to be expected but...still. Eh, I'm just being protective. Best of luck to you.
Posted Oct 16, 2009 11:48 am PT
Sorry I'm late, but if you want to fix things between you two, maybe you should invite him over and play something (if he's into games). Sorry if my advice is useless, I haven't had to do anything like this....
Posted Oct 16, 2009 12:30 pm PT
@grigjd3
@david_lck
@johnsteed7
@Dark-Star13
Hey, guys, sorry I am late responding but I have been gone for a few days. I bit the bullet and was blunt with my friend. He actually took it much better than I expected. Basically, he agreed and wants to re-establish a friendship based on something besides crazy college antics.
@david_lck
@johnsteed7
@Dark-Star13
Hey, guys, sorry I am late responding but I have been gone for a few days. I bit the bullet and was blunt with my friend. He actually took it much better than I expected. Basically, he agreed and wants to re-establish a friendship based on something besides crazy college antics.
Posted Oct 19, 2009 6:56 am PT
Congrats! Now (normal)conversation between you two can resume.
Posted Oct 19, 2009 8:01 pm PT
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