Okay, here it goes! I have a few bones to pick! So watch out! Some cartilage is gonna fly!

If Harry Potter is so damn powerful, why the hell doesn't he get his eye sight fixed! For Christ sake, he's a wizard! You mean to tell me the wizard communities can heal broken bones in a couple hours, regrow bones in a couple of days, cure people who have been petrified by a seventy foot frickin' snake, and yet they can't cure Harry's Crap-o-vision! Lies!

E.T.-the extra terrestrial- was retarded, and heres proof. E.T. while off in the woods, became separated from his Pygmy cohorts. I can understand that. When the cops showed up, E.T. suddenly cornered by Miami vice wanna be's, bellowed like a little **** and took off fleeing into the jungle, as fast as his stunted legs could carry him. I to can understand that. While running, the stupid bastard fled upward, AWAY from his ship, and ended up stranded on the top of a friggin mountain, over looking the suburban shanty village and home of his pansy, soon to be roommate. I can also understand that. However, what i can't understand is simply this; Why didn't the little bastard just fly to his friggin ship!

And lastly, Captain Crunch is a murderer, and while i don't have any proof, i ask this. What the hell happened to his crew? Heres my theory! Captain crunch was a suppressed, homicidal sailing captain who was known to take his ragged crew of misfits into the deep swells of the ocean, and past the safety eschewing lighthouses. On these bouts, food on the ship would become scarce, so the denizens were forced to eat anything they could provide. From shells, insects, and seagulls, to wayward swimming donkeys, everything was consumed in an effort to survive. Unfortunately, while the captain did manage to stay alive eating donkey, he wasn't spared a crippling scurvy that rotted out his thinning hair, and caused every tooth in his flaccid mouth to fall out. Angry, and without the same compassion as mortal man, Captain Crunch brewed a scheme to rid the worlds children of their teeth. Immediately, once his fine plan was hatched, Captain Crunch turned his ship back towards the main land. His crew, not wanting to see his terrible plot unfold, came together and mutinied captain crunch. It was the last mistake they ever made. Captain Crunch, enraged beyond human comprehension, fled deep within the innards of the ship. His crew, feeling triumphant, barricaded Crunch's exit, and continued their course towards the main land.  Within the hollowed cavity of his ship, surrounded by twisted iron and wood, Captain Crunch found a large, wooden box tucked into the corner. Intrigued, captain crunch investigated. The top of the box was wider than the bottom, and on the lid was carved a grotesque symbol: The coco-bean. Fascinated, Captain Crunch cracked open the lid, and peered inside the coffin. Within, the bitter reak of old moldy candy flooded his senses.  What could this be, he wondered. Immediately after the question was thought a savage voice echoed from deep within the coffin. In an ancient Romanian accent, the demon within asked, "How's it hangin'?!!?" To which crunch replied, "Who are you?"  While the creature at this point was known as Delabert Huskamufalas, you may better know him by his public monikor; Count Chocula. The count, wanting to escape Romania, booked passage for himself onto the ship while secretly hidden in his coffin. Unfortuantely, instead of the cargo reaching America, the coffin was unintentionally left on the ship, and unknowingly passed down through the generations, eventually being given to Crunch himself. Amazed, Crunch saw the vampire as his means to kill his treacherous crew, and reclaim his ship. In return, Crunch offered to include Count Chocula in his original scheme. The count, whose dream is was to become a rich celebrity, accepted the plan, and for the first in hundreds of years, tasted warm blood on his lips. Crunch then arrived on the mainland, sans one crew, and went to work, creating a Cereal enterprise that would rot out generations of teeth. He got dentures, altered his appearance, and with the sales he made the Captain established the Chocula cereal enterprise. The two became millionaires. Fortunately for us, the Captain, who was going by the friendly name Cap'n Crunch, suffered a massive brain legion brought on by years of hookers and drug abuse, and was later replaced by a look-a-like. And Now you know the truth!

P.S. Cap'n Crunch's old nemesis in the television commercials, Jean LaFoote AKA the "Barefoot Pirate", was based loosely on one of the captains old crew members, who had lost his hands to a Vietnamese hooker, and was forced to use his feet to compensate.