*Long post ahead, sorry!

Years ago, in my early to mid teens I was a very different person than what I am now. I'm sure many of you can remember (or are maybe going through) that time of your life when you are shaping your own personality. It's a confusing time where you hopefully end up with a sense of who you are and how you experience people and the world around you. People around you will affect who you turn out to be, for better or for worse.

During this time where adults still view you as a kid, but you firmly believe that you have a perfect idea of how the world works (how wrong I was. I smile when I think about it.), I got hurt badly. I was 16 at the time, and it changed me for the worse. I was betrayed by one of the most significant people in my life at that time. As the girl I was at the time I would cry my broken heart out, while wondering what I could have done to deserve this. I had not yet learned that some people just do bad things, and it's not necessarily my fault that I end up hurt. While some people would be able to rise up from their pain and walk on strong in life, I did the exact opposite. I stayed there as the hurt creature I was, and saw the world and it's people for the horrible beings they could be. I didn't trust anyone anymore, so of course there was no way I would talk to people about how I felt. Some tried to reach out a hand and help me, just to get bitten by my defensive fangs. I had friends, even boyfriends during this time. I never let any of them through my shield. They knew a lot about me; my interests and passions and things I disliked, but they never knew -me-. I simply didn't let them, not even how hard they tried to prove themselves as trustworthy. I was a horrible friend. I asked questions and did things simply to test their friendship. To see how much they really cared.

I was depressed a lot. I don't mean like those people who are often (and rudely) referred to as Emos. I never talked about my problems, didn't want attention and I'd get very angry if someone was pushy about having me talk about my problems. I'm amazed that my friends from that time is still around. I guess that says a lot about how much they actually cared. How can someone choose to be like this, you ask? My philosophy was very immature, but it seemed very logic to me at the time: If I never let them in, I'll never get really hurt. And by keeping myself at such a low, emotional isolated level, I would protect myself against being hurt so badly again.

This might make me sound like an emotionless robot. It's not like I was sad all the time. I could feel happiness with my friends or boyfriend. I could be in a very good mood and have a great time with friends, family or a video game. The problem was that since I kept myself so isolated, I very easily fell back to the depressed moods. I almost think I was happy there, because I felt a certain amount of "power" by simply not caring about people. I hated to cry, and almost never did. I saw it as a sign of weakness. In most cases I even saw people's sense of empathy as a weakness. I wanted to be strong, so that I would never be hurt again. I didn't want to change. Heck, I was afraid to change! What if I let people in, and got hurt? Sad excistense, right?

But I was lucky. Lucky enough to have family and friends who truly cared for me and my well being. My grandmother was the first in my family to really see the signs, thanks to a family dinner on one of my really bad days. I've always been close to her (or as close as i could be those days). Just in case you wonder how she noticed, I can tell you that a different person in our family had problems with depressions and eventually needed professional help. She told my dad about what she thought was going on. This started a chain of events that resulted in me agreeing to seek professional help. As good fortune would have it, I got a new boyfriend around that time. He taught me a lot about life. All the wonderful things that was going on! All the good madness I could be a part of. A different kind of peace with myself that I had forgotten after all those years in depression. Even if we broke up some years ago, I still see him as one of the most important people to ever have entered my life. He changed me and even if the process was slow, I learned to talk about things and to trust.

Today, I love making new friends. I was excited about attending college for the simple reason that I would get to meet new people (and other reasons ofc). I have some very close and wonderful friends that I trust and talk to about everything. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've started to build my life together with. As I mentioned, the amazing part is that I am still friends with people from my depressed years. I'm very happy with who I am, and my life.

The reason why I'm writing this (ridiculously long) blog, is because I'm going through some things in my private life. It's not anything serious. I'm simply scared about my uncertain future. This is my last year in college, so this summer I'm moving back to my hometown. Will I be able to get a job? Where will we (me and my bf) live? What if I fail and disappoint everybody? There are so many things I'm worried about. I feel like I'm making a big step, from being a student to a worker. Suddenly I'm supposed to focus on different things in life like paying back loans, taxes and how we'll afford a decent sofa to our apartment. I know it's a fun and exciting time, but I'm scared all the same. Closing a chapter in my life an moving on to the next. I can't relax, I don't sleep well and I don't eat properly. All these thoughts crammed in my head makes me very emotional.

It makes me realize how wonderful it is to have friends by your side. I have talked to some of them about my feelings, and they all have some wonderful things to say that makes me see things from a different and positive angle. I am also lucky enough to have found that special someone that I see myself spending the rest of my life with and he repeats that no matter what happens, we will always have each other. It has made me think about the great importance of friends in life. People that connect and share good times and bad. We learn from each other. We experience together. Most importantly, we support each other. Friends makes you stronger. They will cheer on you so that you get enough strength to fight through difficulties. They share your joy, and can make good things even better. They listen to your frustrations and makes you realize that it isn't that bad after all (or they totally agree and let you release some steam by talking about it). They offer counseling and a shoulder to cry on in time of need.

It makes me relax a bit when they take their time to help me through this. It makes me realize that it isn't so bad. A lot can happen, but it will be alright in the end. Meet it with a positive attitude and it will work out. No matter what I will have still have my friends. They will always be there to support me. They won't love me less because I might have a hard time finding a job. I'm starting on "the rest of my life", and I can face it as a stronger person because they are here. The last few days has really made me see that.

There is a difference between living and simply existing. I believe that friends and family (I tend to put them in the same category, as I'm very close with my family. My mom is on of my best friends in the world) let you live. Cherish them, and tell them how much they mean to you. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I have been on both sides, and I learned a lesson in how important it is to have people close.

This blog is a tribute to my friends and family, who has made my life so much better by simply being a part of it. I want to thank them for all they have done for me and all I have learned from them. I want you to know that I can never really tell you how much I appreciate you, ever. I just hope you understand that it is a lot!

It is also a tribute to those of you that read this, that has a friend (or more) and/or a special someone. To you that has ever reached out to someone that needed it. You are cherished. I hope that by reading this, you will understand how much you mean to your friends and close ones. Don't ever take it for granted!

PS! I'm sorry for the long post again, but I really felt like writing this. I hope someone bothered to read it all, and made them think of how important they are to others.