Airports are like purgatory. It is the time before the miserable hell of flying but still almost as miserable.
5) Kansas City - I have visited many airports with as many places to eat as the K.C. airport but they were all 3 gate small town airports. If you want to eat in K.C. you better like the Cheers restaurant. At this Cheers everyone might know your name but that is because it's the only damn place to eat. Maybe because this airport is in the middle of nowhere it is really hard to transport good food out there.
4) St. Louis - This airport is creepy. The extinction of TWA caused what is literally a mile of weird empty gates between the Southwest and American terminals. It is like one of the post-nuclear holocaust movies from the Eighties. Things left where they were before somebody was sent to the unemployment line. Signs on restaurants left 7 years ago stating that "we will open back up soon". I am afraid to use one of the restrooms because my body will never be found for years if I get killed by someone gone mad after being bumped from an overbooked flight.
3) New York La Guardia - Thanks to Giuliani's campaign to clean up the city in the 90's the airport is now crappier than the subway. Sure you could have paid $1000 dollars more to land at the nice airport that is incomprehensibly 3 miles away but you just landed at La Guardia instead. You can tell it is going to rain in New York that day because the staff has put out buckets to catch all the rain coming through the roof. It feels like I am playing Frogger crossing the street with the exception that the yellow cars get faster when you walk in front of them.
2) Las Vegas - Landing in Las Vegas is like stepping into a dream world. There are slot machines IN THE AIRPORT. This conveys to you that you are in some kind of fantasy land. The problem is that the same slot machines look really sad with a hangover on the way home. Old ladies are trying to make back their social security checks with the slots that have the worst odds in the state of Nevada. The longer you stay in the Vegas the sadder the airport becomes on the way home. It is compounded by the fact that after 3 days in Vegas you can't wait to leave because you made the mistake of viewing Vegas in the daytime and not intoxicated.
1) Chicago O'Hare - When you look at the departure board you have to do a little math to figure out the real time you will depart. Just add a random amount between 2 hours and 3 days. The only time your plane won't depart is the time on the departure board. The worse thing is that are not enough seats and there is no damn place to eat. There is only one damn sit down restaurant in the whole airport. Good thing my delays average 4 hours so I can wait an hour to sit and eat some decent food and overpay for a beer.
Charlotte probably has the best airport with a live piano singer, good food, and rocking chairs. Too bad if you got there you had to fly US Airways.
No international airports are mentioned because to hold other countries at a different standard isn't fair. Sure O'Hare is hell with crying baby in your ear but at least you can drink the water and it doesn't have any French people.