Hello out there. I was going to try and do something a little different this time, something involving the Gross National Happiness of Cameroon and how it is directly influenced by the number of people with mutton chops in Arkansas, but then I realized that would require some form of effort on my part. So I decided to go with this instead.
The Walking Wounded
About five days ago, I pinched something in my back. As a result, I've been wandering around with a posture that resembles that of Ed Grimley http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5619097745224237454. Good times. It only hurt when I would try and do stuff, like walking, sitting, lying down, coughing, going to the bathroom, not going to the bathroom, etc. Fortunately, it seems to be clearing up. I'm almost "back" to normal (see what I did there? ) , or whatever my version of normal happens to be.
So what activity was I engaged in when this happened? What heroic act was I committing to damage my back? Was I trying to expand the square footage of my "gun show?" Was I trying to save an army of nuns from a rampaging Krogan? Nope. I was trying to stand up. Neat. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies: standing up, whether it's the physical act or merely the symbolic act of defiance, is simply not worth it. Stay seated. I don't think I used "symbolic" correctly there.
:raspberry:
At the Movies
On a more positive note, I managed to catch "Defiance" finally. Not too bad at all. I'm not sure how close Tinseltown got to telling the actual truth of the story, but I can say that the story itself was enough to really get me thinking about life in general, about the little things I take for granted, and about the ridiculous, horrible things that people do to each other. What a world. I'm tempted to get all philosophical on ya'll, but I think I'll leave it there.
A couple of weeks back, I also watched the new "Rambo." Good grief. I consider myself to be a fairly desensitized person, but how did this movie manage to escape an NC-17 rating?
Gaming
I've managed to finish up a few titles in the past few weeks. I'll just give you a quick run-down in order to keep you from falling asleep.
Castle Crashers: Helluva lot of fun. I've heard some complaints about lag during multiplayer, but I can't speak to that as I am a mentally-abused shut-in and have no friends.
FEAR 2: Nothing to be afraid of. Encounters with Alma are reduced to really lame quick time events that require you to mash a single button in order to escape her. It's the same button every time. Some good tension in a couple of spots, but the pacing is all wrong. Too much emphasis on combat distracts from any feeling of "fear" that may have cropped up. Shooting ghosts with an assault rifle is still ridiculous.
Bionic Commando: I was going to make a "loses its grip joke", but somebody beat me to it. Damn you Google. Starts off ok, though a bit ridiculous. The agency or whatever you're working for decides that the best way to get you to your initial objective is to load you inside a rocket and launch your ass through a building. They launch your bionic arm separately, and you spend the first five minutes or so trying to find it. I'm not kidding. Some of the worst voice acting of this gen gently frosts the turd-cake that is the plot. The game centers around the idea of being able to use your mechanical abomination to swing and explore the world. Only trouble is that if you swing too high, you die of radiation poisoning. If you go off the set path, you die of radiation poisoning. If you fall into three inches of water, you drown. And then you die of radiation poisoning. Combat is fun, but gets old.
Lego Indy: Surprisingly good. I wasn't a huge fan of Lego Star Wars, so I wasn't expecting much from this game, but I figured I'd give it a shot. Glad I did. The puzzles are fairly interesting, and even though some of the levels are a bit tedious, there are still good times to be had. Free Play is a blast this time around, with each level giving different character abilities a chance to shine.
Medal of Honor: Airborne: Haven't finished this one just yet, but I'm actually having a really good time with this game. I thought I was done with WW2 shooters, but this one is actually pretty solid. Enemies are a little on the dumb side, and the parachuting gimmick is a little unwieldy, but overall the game is a mindless good time. Just don't expect too much.
Well, guess that's it for now. Hope everyone is doing well out there. Thanks for reading.
Howdeney pardiners. Just wanted to throw in a quick disclaimer. I'm going to be making fun of a few games in the following post. Most of them are games I enjoy, but a couple I haven't even played yet. The reason I'm doing this is simple: I like to poke fun at things. Whether or not I like whatever I happen to be mocking is purely circumstantial. Just about everything is fair game. Please take it all with a grain of salt. If you still find yourself getting angry, try to take it with several.
Enclosed you'll find the first installment in what I hope to cultivate as a series, and you'll also find the worst web-comic in history. Hope you enjoy.
And no, not all of the items listed below fall into the category in the traditional sense. You'll see what I mean.
The Worst of the Worst: Collectibles
For years, gamers suffering from OCD have been preyed upon by the gaming industry. The need to see "!00% Complete!" find it's way onto our screens has been a part of our culture since cavemen etched copies of Air-Sea Battle on their walls. But this weakness has become subjected to new levels of exploitation with the current generation. Developers looking to mask the true length of their product have learned that collectibles are an easy way to go, and can turn a three hour tour into a thirty-six hour labor.
So here it is: the worst of the worst collectibles for the current generation of gaming.
The Game: Viva Piņata
The Items: Flutterscotches
Why They Made the List: In order to unlock the Master Collector achievement, a player must be willing to trick 50 species of piņata into living in their crappy garden. One of the best ways to do this is by using a little bug called the Flutterscotch. By feeding it random crap you find on the ground, the insect will transform into a number of different variants, and each variant counts towards a new species. The only trouble is that figuring out which items to feed the little suckers can be extremely taxing, and even after you've figured it out you'll still reach the conclusion that you just spent four hours feeding garbage to the most boring creature in the game.
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The Game: Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts
The Items: Jiggies
Why They Made the List: Though tracking down enough jiggies to see the endgame might not be a problem, getting enough to reach that 100% marker might be. Many of the events that you must complete in order to unlock the precious pieces border on sadism. I have no problem with a race being challenging, but when the challenge doesn't come from the track or your competitors, but rather from the gimped vehicle you're given, the fun gets sucked right out the window. "Hey Banjo! Take this motorcycle and use it to smoosh as many flying seagulls as you can!"
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The Game: Eternal Sonata
The Items: Score Pieces
Why They Made the List: Though many of these are easy to track down, only the most rabid achievement hunters or fans of the game will be able to collect them all. In order to snag every one, you have to play through the game twice. This wouldn't be so bad if A) the game were interesting enough to warrant a second playthrough and B) they didn't strip you of all of your hard earned levels when you start over. Completely erasing everything I've done over the course of a game is not a good way to get me to play through it again.
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The Game: Dead Rising
The Items: Zombie Corpses
Why They Made the List: Tedious is not a strong enough word to describe what you're in for if you decide to try for the Zombie Genocider achievement. Though killing the required 53,594 shambling morons is not all that difficult, you can expect to spend three or four hours mooshing these hapless corpses with a van. Fun!
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The Game: Prince of Persia
The Items: Light Seeds
Why They Made the List: It's bad enough that collectibles are used to obscure the true length of a title, but at least most of them are not required in order to complete the game. Not so here. If you want to see the credits roll, expect to spend a couple of extra hours collecting orbs that have mysteriously and conveniently appeared within jumping distance of the Prince. Not only do you have to snag a ton of these things to progress, as an added bit of misery you also have to listen to the Prince speak while you do it.
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The Game: GTAIV
The Items: Pigeons
Why They Made the List: Are you kidding me? You want me to find something the size of tin can in a city that vast? Why not throw a thousand pennies into the game, and ask me to find the 309 that landed heads up?
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The Game: Borderlands
The Items: Bobbleheads
Why They Made the List: Because they ripped off Fallout 3. If you're going to give you're game a complete graphic overhaul in order to differentiate yourself from a certain other post-apocalyptic title, you might want to reconsider ripping off one of the items that makes that game unique. My buddy indecisiverhino and I were speaking on this point the other day, and he brought up that there are just certain things you don't "borrow" from other games. Bobbleheads would be a prime example.
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The Worst Webcomic You've Ever Seen
All pictures involving barns, hens, or eggs were taken from publicdomainpictures.net
Let me just start off by saying I apologize if I missed a few blogs out there. I'm in kind of a weird place in my life right now, not a good place, and I just haven't had much energy for anything other than avoiding people. I'll try to do better in the future. Moving on.
Shadow Complex
I'm sure you've already heard this from a number of different sources, but this is a fantastic game. An undeniably cool blend of the old and the new, I've never had so much fun with an Arcade title. I hate to throw this cliche at you, but it really does raise the bar in terms of what the service is capable of delivering.
I can only hope that the game is a timed exclusive. I think everyone who's interested should get a shot at playing it.
Batman
So I picked up Arkham yesterday. After reading a number of reviews, I figured I'd give it a shot. Don't worry: I didn't break my "$30 rule" or anything. I just traded in some stuff I never play anymore, and managed to cover the whole game.
I gotta say that so far it doesn't disappoint. I know it's popular to hate what's popular, but I really love the game. It's an odd mix of a number of different elements, but they seem to come together nicely. The only real gripe I have is that Batman looks a little ridiculous to me, but that's not the game's fault. He's well rendered, and well animated. No, the fault is my own.
I guess one of the reasons I fell out of reading comics is because I couldn't help but imagine how I would react to someone in a six foot bat-suit with pointy ears (or a spandex spider suit or whatever) if I met them in real life. In my mind, pointing and laughter was always the response. I always get the image of Triumph asking which button on Vader's chest plate calls his mom to come pick him up. I guess the limits of my suspension of disbelief don't go very far.
The Old Is New
Went and snagged a copy of the original Saints Row a couple of weeks back. I've been jonesing for a sandbox game that doesn't take itself too seriously. What surprised me is how well the original holds up. Normally, after I play a sequel, I have a hard time going back to the first installment. The new additions are usually significant enough that it's difficult to enjoy playing with out them. Not so here. Not sure if that's a testament to how good the first game is, or how bad the upgrades to the second are. Either way, it's good times in Stillwater again.
Parting Shot
Guess that's all for now. Sorry if this blog is a little on the dry side. My thoughts are a little muddled of late. But, as a gift to you for your patience, I leave you with my latest pair of Paint Shop masterpieces. Enjoy.
"Behemoth Birfday Party"
"The Critegun"
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