For nearly six years now I've been in a fight for my life against a silent aggressor named cancer. Since March 2004 I've gone through various chemotherapies, a bone marrow transplant, even a nice summer reprieve where I was allowed to think that all was well. But like the steady march of a condemned man the beat goes on and on.

Through it all I have kept my head held high, my expectations in sight, and my heart full of love and as much happiness as I can put forth. But man its getting hard.

Since September of 2006 I've been in what most would call an unemployable state - weakened and battered, getting paid from the government for what they call disability and I call another bump in the road. It hadn't been too bad, I had my kids to keep me company in the summer, my gaming hobby to see me through the school year, I had been willing to accept my lot in life for however long I was deemed worthy to keep on going - my "long walk" as I've come to call it.

Things took a small turn over the summer though, the eating blackness had returned - though not incredibly significantly - and I had to go back onto a more rigid form of treatment. Not that the doctors hold out any hope for a cure at this point, no this treatment was mainly for a prolonging effect - beat at it till it retreats a while or just slows down. I get this image of a man beating an elephant with a stick here - it may not kill the beast, but it might confuse it enough that it goes away for a while. So for the past few months I've been on these 14 days On, 14 days Off cycles of a couple of chemotherapies - and the toll collector has been showing his retched face more and more often, his tobacco blackened teeth always welcoming me with a sneer of greeting.

See its not really the cancer that has been messing with me, making me weak and tired, its the damn treatment that has been putting me in this quiet cell. The poison that riles through my body, eating away healthy cells as it attacks the cancer, causing my limbs to hang nearly uselessly in a dull pain that is hard to describe in any proper fashion. Nearly all my extremities feel as though I've just run a marathon for days, a marathon that I had not prepared for in any way - no warm ups, no pre-dawn jogs, - an endurance run that I just woke up one day and started. My knees and ankles feel like jelly left out in the hot sun to congeal, while my arms and hands have become stiff like an elderly person's riddled with arthritis. Hell man my hands look OLD. Its just wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

And truth be told my mood has been growing black as well. My interests and hobbies don't fulfill me as much as they once did, where once an afternoon with a good game or book was enough to get me by, now more times than not I sit and just look on at the objects of my desire with a cool detachment. The want is still there, but the motivation is lacking. The actual act of moving myself to just Do has become harder and harder, some days have gone by with me just endlessly debating on what I should do - and these debates sometimes go on without resolution. Its days like these where my "long walk" seems to have transformed itself into a mindless shuffle, I'm a zombie on a path to no where.

I have had my questioning days. The days I call out to anyone or anything that may be listening and just ask why. Is all this a payment for some offense I've been to naive to realize I've committed? Is this a test of some sort of merit? An exam in the final months of school to see if I've got what it takes? Am I Maverick or Goose? And is it really true that the runners up are posted in the ladies room? I really don't think there is an answer, and its trivial to even start to question. In the end - The End is really all there is. God or no, Heaven or chaos, Everything or Nothingness - once you get there, there you are. Getting into all that before you reach the destination is like wondering how many sea-shells you are going to find before you even get to the beach - start foundering on the trivial and you'll miss the journey.

I guess that brings me to the here and now. For too long I've been getting to introspective - sweating the small stuff you could say. For all my efforts to live my life as I wanted, I've locked myself away in this lost lonely world, really ignoring what is out there and that I am still alive and still fighting and still just breathing. Sure I can tune out everything around me and just keep to my selfish self, or I can use my resources and expand what I know as "my living room". Sure I can go too many places in my condition, but with a computer and a little effort I can see the world - experience new places and people. Use my interests and hobbies as tools to connect rather than weapons to isolate. So here I am using my time to make a challenge to myself. Get out there and try to live a life - join a social network to meet new people, find a recipe to enjoy a new food, get in on a game to communicate with others.

I can't say that I'll be 100% out there. I've been isolated way too long to just break out of the mold like Kool Aid Man, but I think if I just try I may be surprised by the results.

See, I have this problem. Well I actually have a LOT of problems, but we're going to stick with just this one. For now.

I have two very lovely children. One 11, the other nearly 5. And since birth, I've been grooming these two semi-clones to take over my family business: Video Games. Now in retrospect, this has opened me up to my most evil moments. My ascent to Sith Lord, if you will.

My eldest, the Daughter, has taken to games like Peanut Butter to bread. She blows by me in Super Mario Galaxy, and she can play songs in Guitar Hero that make my eyes water just watching. I feel proud to have passed this hobby down the line, ensuring that YES there will be another generation of wide eyed gamers. You know, cause I was worried about that. I can exclaim to the Heavens and beyond, that my child is a GAMER!

For christmas this last year, I finally broke down and bought her some 360 titles for her own. And to make things even more special, I even gave her what she most wanted since December of 06, a profile on my 360 that was hers and hers alone. God was I just the best Father in the universe or what?

Now here comes the evil stench of Me. The capitalized version of myself, my id, my demon.

My Daughter also has another passion, one that she may have caught from me, but one that I never really "tried" to instill in her. Man this kid LOVES cartoons. Simpsons, Scooby-Doo, even Batman. This child just can't get enough animated action. And there is one cartoon that rises above all others and rules the roost like a rabid chicken.

Avatar. Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Yes, a few of you may see where this is headed, and I could end it here and let the rest figure it out. But I MUST continue on. The tale has to be told, others need to be warned. Before the plaugue hits and humanity is at its end. Yes I do realize that I am making myself out to be some sort of "Savior of the World." But if the robes fit, right?

For months now my Daughter has been begging me to get her this latest Avatar game for the 360. Its her favorite show after all, and its on the freakin 360! Why WOULDN'T I get it for her? Well for a couple of reasons. 1: Its a 60$ game based on a cartoon! That ain't gonna fly. 2: Its a cartoon game for $60! But really --- 3: It is notorious amongst serious gamers as one of the most evil of all 360 games - because of the downright giving away of its 1000 point gamerscore. No true, self respecting gamer would let that title loose in his or her home.

I resisted. I fought. I argued. There was NO WAY Avatar was going to wind up anywhere nearer to me than the local Best Buy. I was adamant. I was tough. I was Father. Lay down the law, and let no one, save Sylvester Stallone, tell you otherwise. Because, you know, Sly IS the law. He said so.

But deep, deep down, I was failing. The urge to "catch up" to a close friend of mine. A friend who took advantage of my month and a half long hospital stay last year to get 3000 points ahead of me. A guy who sleeps on my couch from time to time. I didn't want to catch up to him per se, I wanted to blow him out of the water like Roy Schneider does to the shark in Jaws 2. I wanted him to see my gamerscore and fall down in as a liquidy pile of Skestra-goo. Tee hee hee.

Then yesterday we were out, just out about town. And we came across a Blockbuster rental store. And the Daughter saw the game. And she asked. She pleaded. She gave me those "puppy dog eyes" that every parent knows are irresistable. Damn it all, thes my DAUGHTER! How am I supposed to refuse a simple $5 five day gift?

I told myself. Simple, just let her play it. Let her use her own profile. No one has to know of this indescretion. She's not even online! I convinced myself. I let it all play out. We rented the game, and we brought it home. I even smiled to myself. She is going to be able to play her game and no one will be the wiser.

We sat back and let the game commence. 30 seconds and 1000 points later. My Me awoke. A pit of dark red fire lifted its head within me, and grinned.

Before I knew what was happening, because you see I was no longer in control of who I was, the controller was snatched from the hands of a 10 year old child, and profiles were changed, and a Nickelodeon logo was rising. I shook, my hands sweating from anticipation. My limbs trying to listen to my brain, were acting of their own accord.

5 seconds.... the start screen fades

6 seconds.... no i would not like to save

10 seconds... 150 points in my bag

15 seconds... cut scene over

20 seconds... 400 points.... glee

25 seconds.... 200 more points.... almost there

30..... 1000 points total..... god is good... god is meeeeeee......

I collapsed unto myself, falling to the floor. I think I cried.

This was not how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to save the world, not become another victim of its relentless march towards billions upon billions of gamerscore points. What would I tell my friends, my family? What would become of the trust that has allowed me to gain such a fanatical following? How could I ever face myself again? What have I become?

In that moment I made a choice. There wasn't anything else I could do. I had to pick myself up, take a deep breath and remember who I was.

So I left and killed some younglings.

In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to tell all of you, friends and strangers alike, go out and rent or buy yourself a copy of Avatar: The Last Airbender: The Burning Earth.

And burn it. Destroy it. Do not succumb to the powers that have completely corrupted me.

Now excuse me. I have a copy of Disney's Cars that is just dying to be played.....

My 360 came back today. After two weeks to the repair center.

Unfortunately I had one of those "unrepairable" systems and had to get a replacement system - A refurb. And the Re-furb's manufacturers date is actually a week BEFORE my original system's. Nice.

I haven't been able to test out my new model though, seeing as its Minnesota here and about 5 degrees above zero, my 360 is almost completely frozen. I figured I'd best let it warm up a bit before I plugged it in anywhere.

So yes, now I am back, and ready to play some GH3 or Rock Band online (not to mention the 4 or 5 other titles I haven't played yet because the darn thing broke down in the first place. So if ya see me online, and you want to play, just send me an invite.