My life. It has been eventful and colorful. Good times, bad times, striving for the better of myself and those that I loved. From a early childhood I always wanted to get away from the atmosphere that it is okay to get drunk and abuse people. It was a conviction. Something that always held me true because I know that path on the recieving end and it leads to nothing worth while.

I was always someone who stopped to look and see why. To say hi to people who passed by, hold the door, and overall enjoyed the entire simplistic persona of taking the time to enjoy what you pass by everyday. Found someone who loved me and me onto them, was married young but very happy, and never yearned for more but of the same that I already had.

Is hard these days. After losing a 9 month old son on christmas in 2005, and then losing my wife carrying our second child to a heart attack back in september 2008, I strive hard to remain the person I always have been. Sure, experienced mold us, but in the direction of where we think we were headed and not into someplace that we never wished we were. To grow, to make a family and work so very hard only to watch over the course of 4 years all of them suffer and perish literally in your arms can change anyone.

When you lose your family you also lose most of your friends. People are caring and try to comfort, but they do not always understand how. So they stop calling or coming around. Cannot blame them. It is hard to try and put yourself in someone elses shoes when your holding your child standing next to your spouse telling someone that they understand you losing both.

It is important to not live totally for someone else. To make every single day be about them. We do not choose our mortality. No one grants us our wishes. We have no purpose but you live and be what you feel you should be. To that end, sometimes it is impossible to move on after such a loss. It isnt about going out and finishing your school, or your work, or finding a few simple joys in the future. You can do all of those things and forever stand guard of your family that is no longer at your side. Unable to move on because your heart wont let you. Able to accept that they are gone but not able to find peace.

I am broken but I am alive. I refuse to lay down and die especially when both of them wanted to live so much. For the memories and knowing that I could make someone that happy will always stay with me and be my comfort. Knowing that the happiness is now just a memory is my punishment.