[at Sideshow Bob's funeral]
Homer [whispering loudly]: Yeah, well, between you and me, I still can't stand him. ["Still can't stand him" echoes five times throughout the church] I don't care about these church jerks! ["Church jerks" echoes twice throughout the church; Rev. Lovejoy plugs Helen's ears]
Marge: Homer, your behavior is heinous! ["Anus" echoes five times throughout the church]

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Homer: Apu, I'm returning a yogurt I wasn't completely satisfied with.
Apu: [opens the bag which lets out a stench, he immediatly closes the bag] OH MY GOD! If a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and the dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog! I'll give you any yogurt in the store just take that thing with you when you go!

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Marge: [holds up a large sword covered in blood] I just can't get Russian gangster blood out! Must be something they eat.

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Award Show Presentator: We now come to our final award: Entertainer of the Year. An award so prestigious that it recently won the 'Award of the Year' Award at the 2007 Awardie Awards.

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Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

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Bart: The bone's the very thing, methinks, to trick my sister and the dink.
[Bart grabs Sideshow Mel's bone from his hair. Later, we see Lisa and Martin digging for arrowheads when Bart comes]
Bart: Martin! I've made a major discovery!
[Bart leads Martin to a spot, close to a cliff protected by a guardrail. Martin sees Sideshow Mel's bone, which Bart had half-buried in the ground.]
Martin: A bone? [gasps] It could be one of the major homos!
Bart: You're one of the major--
Lisa: Forget it!

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[Homer, travelling through his mind, smashes into the memory of his first kiss with Marge, erasing it]
Lisa: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!
Homer: [confused] Who was it with?
Bart: [jokingly] Apu.
[New memory is created of Homer kissing Apu]

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Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?(he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

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Homer: Bart, get me my suicide axe.
Marge: No suicide axe!
Homer: (moans) (Loud Whisper to Bart) Later.

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[Abe suggests Homer see a doctor to help him remember what happened last night]
Homer: Oh, that's great, dad. How can I ever repay you?
Abe: Punch the orderly who keeps takin' sips outta my juice.
Homer: [balling his fist into his palm] Done.
[Homer punches an orderly who was about to make a bed]
Abe: No wait, this is the one who saved my life.
[Homer rolls his eyes]

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[the Simpsons are tied up. A laptop with a faulty battery is sitting atop boxes of TNT.]
Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [he turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes. [leaves]
Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [leaves and shuts the door]
Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
Sideshow Bob [re-entering]: I shall! [he takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [the laptop explodes] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".
Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard".
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.

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Lou: Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.
Chief Wiggum: [chews his doughnut once slowly]
Lou: Armed robbery with a gun.
Chief Wiggum: [stares cluelessly]
Lou: [sighs] [draws stick figures of a bank robbery] Come on, Chief, you know this.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shooty-stealy.
[Eddie and Lou look at each other, then roll their eyes in disbelief]

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Lisa: There must be a website that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom; we'll help you surf. [Marge sits down at their computer and begins clicking with the mouse.]
Bart: Click that one, Mom. [she continues clicking]
Lisa: No, go up! [she continues clicking]
Bart: Keep going -- up, up, up! [she continues clicking]
Lisa: The blue ones are ads. [she continues clicking]
Bart: That's the toolbar. [she continues clicking]
Lisa: Now you've opened Word! Close it! [she continues clicking]
Bart: Close it! Don't save it! [she continues clicking]
Lisa: Stop clicking! [she continues clicking]
Bart: Don't go there! [she continues clicking]
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?! [she continues clicking]
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it! [she continues clicking]
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart! [Marge stops clicking]
Marge: If you're so smart, you do it. [Bart hits one button and the right website appears on the screen. Marge groans.]
Bart: You just bought another freezer.
Marge: Well maybe I wanted another freezer!

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[In the dressing room, after Homer's first opera performance]
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer: [worried] Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

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[Bart and Lisa are watching TV when breaking news comes on.]
Kent Brockman: We interrupt Kaptain Kiddy's Komfort Karnival to report on a grisly incident involving a small child, who has apparently plunged off a guardrail here at Springfield National Park.
Chief Wiggum: According to this pocket protector, the victim's name is Martin Prince. Sadly, his pocket was protected, but nothing else. And we know exactly who is to blame!
Bart and Lisa: [gasp in horror]
Chief Wiggum: No one. The boy clearly fell by accident.
Bart and Lisa: Huh?
Chief Wiggum: He crashed through the tree canopy there, and was presumably eaten by this cougar, who is still coughing up parts of the boy's clothes.
[The cougar, now caught by Eddie and Lou, coughs up Martin's shirt.]
Chief Wiggum: Tragic, just tragic. [picks up the shirt with a stick.] You think this will fit little Ralphie?
Lou: Chief, that's evidence.
Chief Wiggum: I know, but after it's evidence, it's a shirt again. Isn't it?
Kent Brockman: So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?
Chief Wiggum: Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.
Lou: Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?
Chief Wiggum: What do you think I'm doing right now? [Smiles at the camera.]

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Don't you just love The Simpsons? ^_^