Can you smell it? No? Come a little closer. Now? That's right! Tis the smell of a fresh, brand spankin' new blog! The old one was starting to reek. Almost, but not quite as bad as the new TV.com design. There, I've made my feelings known and that's all I'm going to say about it.

So let's see...what's new with me? I need bullets *rummages through Microsoft Word 2007 's unfamiliar layout* ahhh, there they are!

Well, first, let me stir the unpleasant stink of the old blog only to let you know that, fueled by Mrs. Sparkle's outrage at the inefficiency of our public health care system here in Québec (see last blog's comments), I decided to go "private" and hired myself a doctor! It only took a thirty seconds phone call for my new (if somewhat expensive) doctor to get the results of the CT scan I took over two months ago (and with the results of which the "public" doctor who had me take the test in the first place still hasn't called! ) They were negative, in case you're interested (the results as well as the whole experience). So with this test, we have eliminated brain tumors, blood clots and aneurysms. But apparently, I'm not out of the woods yet as this new (if somewhat expensive) doctor wants to eliminate all the "biggies" (her word, not mine) before she blames my symptoms on stress alone. She hooked me up with a neurologist and is having me go through another series of tests: MRI, EEG and a complete blood work. I feel I'm now in good (if somewhat expensive) hands!

Fall is upon us and the temperature is starting to drop, urging little creatures to look for a warm, cozy place to spend the winter months. Seems like flies have elected my bathroom "Winter Destination of the Year"! Every day when I go in for my morning shower, I am greeted by four or five of them. And these are not your regular flies, these are on steroids! These are huge, BIG ASS flies!! I've thought about turning my bathtub into a pond and getting huge, BIG ASS frogs to get rid of the flies. But then how do you get rid of frogs on steroids?
So instead, I catch them (the flies, not the frogs - they're groggy from the cold which makes it easier to sneak up on them ). I tell them the resort has this new water slide that they just MUST try and I flush them down the toilet.
The other night, one of them (a fly, not a frog) ventured out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. It must have heard the monkey sounds coming from my bed (I've kept IB around for fun! Again refer to last blog for IB info) and thought this was a safari of some sorts. It was buzzing excitedly and bumping into walls: BZZZZZZZ, TOCK, BZZZZZZZZZZZZ, TOCK, TOCK, BZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZZ, TOCK. Every time I got up and turned the light on, it would stop buzzing and hide. Every time I turned the light off and climbed back into bed, it would start buzzing and tocking again. Drove me absolutely bananas (hence the monkey sounds ). After an hour of this hide and seek game, I swear I could hear the sarcasm in its buzzing! I never caught the little bastard but I would recognize that sarcastic buzzing anywhere...I'm putting together The Ultimate Adventure package for this little fellow. He will not believe his eyes, all seven hundred and sixty of them!

In other news, my best friend is going through a breakup. So lately, I've been in full "best friend" mode and I've been doing a lot of nodding and agreeing and head shaking. She's been going through the typical stages of grief:

"How could he not be missing me right now? Why doesn't he call?" (Denial - head shake)
"He's an @sshole (Anger - agree)
"It's all my fault" (Guilt - head shake)
"I need a drink" (Depression - nod and join her)
"I'm better off without him!" (Acceptance - agree)
"You're such a good friend. You're so easy to talk to. I'm done with men, I think I'll try women instead" (Batting for the other team?!? Where did that one come from?? - Back off very slowly and move towards the door )

What else is going on? Oh, yes! I bought my very first laptop two weeks ago! My computer was old and rickety and it was getting to the point where I had to turn it on about an hour before I planned on using it because that's how long it took to get off its lazy butt, shake off the dust, walk around with its cane, gathering up all my files and folders and get them all nice and ready. I'm not even going to get into the exhausting negotiating I had to do to get it to play a song, or worse, a video!
So out with the old and in with the new. Well, I didn't really throw the old computer out yet. It's enjoying its retirement in my bedroom, where I can hear him plotting with the friggin' fly at night. I think they're devising a plan to help the little bugger escape.
So I've been feeling very Carrie Bradshaw-ish this morning, sitting comfortably in my favorite armchair, near the window, with my coffee mug and my ideas for this blog. And I couldn't help but wonder: Do all laptop users feel this way?

So that's about it for the update folks! I will now try to post this blog on TV.com. It's my first one since the re-design. I've heard all sorts of horror stories but I chose to ignore them all and be positive! *clicks heels three times and says: This blog will go up without a glitch*

Well what do you know, it worked!! It doesn't look exactly like I had planned, but it'll do for now. *wanders off humming: We're off to see the Wizard...*

So far, I can't say that 2008 has been my best year. It's not even in my Top Five. Problems and bad news seem to seek and find me. The most recent event, which I'm about to share with you, might change my luck. In fact, depending on the outcome, it could turn 2008 into the best year of my life, or possibly the worst one. So here goes....

In January, I started having problems with my eyesight. It seemed to be deteriorating rapidly and I started experiencing weird optical illusions. The first time it happened, I was at work. Without any warning, the vision in my right eye started to shift. I couldn't focus on anything, everything kept moving in this bizarre, kaleidoscope-like fashion. Even when I closed my eyes, I could still see the shifting shapes against my eyelid. It lasted for over an hour. When it ended - as suddenly as it had started - I was in a severe state of panic. I immediately made an appointment to see my optometrist.

I'll spare you the details of all the visits I had with the eye doctor. Suffice it to say that they spread over four months and involved a lot of stinging drops and blinding lights and were far from being pleasant! The weird optical illusions kept coming back and were diagnosed as ophthalmic migraines, which are annoying but apparently harmless. Only my migraines presented some unusual symptoms that my doctor wanted investigated further, so she referred me to an ophthalmologist.

The visit with him (early August) was more of the same: stinging drops and, you guessed it! More blinding lights!! Also, lots of questions:

"Do you experience these migraines in both eyes?"

-Nope, only the right one.

- Are you sure it's only the right eye?

He seems suspicious.

- Yup. If I close my right eye when I'm having a migraine, I can see perfectly fine with the left eye.

- Ok, let me ask you this again: Are you absolutely certain, without the shadow of a doubt that it only happens in the right eye?

He sounds like Dr. House and he's starting to make me nervous. When I close my right eye during the migraines, I do seem to see fine with the left one, but I can still see the shifting shapes from my closed right eye. Or is it my left eye also?

"Yes, I am absolutely certain that it only happens in my right eye", I say, self-assured. Never let them see you sweat.

He doesn't seem happy about this answer. I feel I have failed him somehow.

More questions:

-Having trouble sleeping?
- Well, yes.

-Feeling dizzy even when you're not having the migraines?
- Now that you mention it, there have been a few times where...

- Having problems concentrating?
- Not really, I mean sometimes I...errr...what was the question again?

- Headaches?
- A little more than usual, yes.

- Have you lost weight recently for no apparent reason?
- I'm not sure I like where you're going with this but, yes. Twelve lbs in the past five weeks is unusual for me.

- I'm going to put you on the list for a CT scan. I want to go see inside your head, he says, matter-of-factly.

- Excuse me?!? I say, stunned.

- You know, just to make sure you don't have a brain tumor or anything that's putting pressure on your optic nerves and causing those migraines. Those are not regular ophthalmic migraines; they last too long and they occur only in one eye. They usually occur in both eyes at the same time.

The room starts spinning lightly. He keeps on talking but I'm not hearing him. I'm still trying to make sense of what he just told me.

"...don't wait by the phone."

- Wh...what?

- I said the waiting list for a CT scan is long so don't wait by the phone. It could be a couple of months before they call you with the appointment.

The next day, the hospital called me to make the appointment for the next Wednesday. At first, I was relieved that I got an appointment so quickly. Then I started thinking that maybe it meant that my condition was more serious than the doctor let on. But then again all these symptoms that I was having could also be associated with stress, right? Although I don't feel stressed out, considering the year I've had so far, it wouldn't surprise if I was! Right then and there, I decided the culprit was stress and I wouldn't worry about it until I knew for sure. That conclusion helped me get through the week.

But on my way to the hospital on the day of the appointment, I started feeling more and more anxious. When I got there, I parked the car and walked the path to the hospital entrance.

As I neared the hospital doors, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I suddenly realized that if the results of this test were positive, my future would hold a lot of going through those same doors, again and again, and I didn't want to go through them alone. I didn't want to be scared and alone. The few friends I have, I know I can count on. Same goes for my family. But what I longed for at that moment was the comfort that can only be provided by a significant other, namely, a boyfriend. Since I lack one at the moment, I did the only "sane" thing I could think of: I made one up!

This is how the conversation went as I/we entered the hospital:

Me: I'm scared.
Imaginary boyfriend (who, by the way, looks strangely like Gary Sinise, only taller ): I know sweetie. I'm right here with you.
Me: Thanks, I couldn't do this alone you know?
Imaginary boyfriend: You're not alone. Listen, the test in itself is painless and will be over quickly. We're not going to get any results tonight so no need to start worrying right now, ok?
Me: You're right...

I/we walked up to the reception desk and filled out the proper forms and presented the proper ID and was/were directed to the waiting room. When the technician came to get me, I wanted to ask him if my boyfriend could come with me, but I figured it was best not to, for fear he would take me straight(jacket) to the part of the hospital where they have padded rooms and they spoon-feed you your meals. So imaginary boyfriend (IB for short) squeezed my hand, smiled at me reassuringly and waited until the door was safely closed behind me to pick up the car magazine he had been eyeing since we came in.

Inside the exam room, I was terribly nervous and the technician could feel it. My bottom lip was quivering and I was on the verge of tears again. The poor guy tried so hard to make me feel at ease, cracking jokes, talking about the weather, but he failed miserably. I could tell that my nervousness made him feel uncomfortable.

IB was right, the test was painless and over in about seven minutes. The technician accompanied me back to the waiting room and just as I was walking out the door, he said "Enjoy life!"

As the door to the exam room closed:

Me: Enjoy life?!? What the hell is that supposed to mean??
IB: (reluctantly putting the magazine down) Calm down honey, he probably didn't know what to say...
Me: He's a CT scan technician, it's his job to know what to say and "Enjoy life" is not on the list of acceptable things to say to someone who's facing the possibility of a brain tumor!!
IB: You're right, but you did make him feel uncomfortable and maybe he...
Me: Ok, first, it's not my responsibility to make him feel comfortable, it's more like the other way around. Second, how did you know I made him feel uncomfortable? You were in the waiting room!
IB: I'm your imaginary boyfriend, remember? I'm just a figment of your overactive imagination. What you think, I think. We share the same brain.
Me: Yeah well, you might want to re-think that arrangement, pal! Might want to start shopping for a brain of your own because according to our technician friend here, this one might not be available for long!
IB: You'll be fine sweetie. Come on, let's take you home. I'll run a nice hot bath for you.

When I/we got back home, I skipped the bath and went straight for my pajamas and a bottle of wine! I decided I would allow myself twenty-four hours of utter panic, allowing the darkest, most somber thoughts to reach the surface of my consciousness, acknowledge them, and then move on. Those were not the finest twenty-four hours of my life, and I'll spare you the details. But twenty-four hours is all it took. The next day, I felt better and ready to face whatever is waiting for me. I'm young(ish), I'm otherwise healthy, I have two wonderful munchkins who need their mom around for a long time to come. They still have a lot of milestones to go through and I intend to be there for every single one of them! Not to mention I have a loving, caring imaginary boyfriend who's been there every night to comfort me when it gets dark and I get scared.

It's been a little over a month now since the CT scan and, surprisingly, it hasn't been that bad. Some days I don't even think about it at all until I get to bed at night. One huge blessing that came out of all of this is that I seem to notice and enjoy the little things more; the rich smell of my morning coffee, the delightful melody of my daughter's laughter, the deep dark brown of my son's eyes, the delicious feeling of a hot shower on my skin. We hear it so often: it's the little things in life that make it enjoyable. Yet, it seems to always take a life threatening situation to make us realize it. How sad.

I still haven't gotten the results of the exam, but I haven't experienced one single ophthalmic migraine since June, my weight seems to have stabilized, no more headaches. I'm still sleep deprived, but I think that has more to do with IB than anything else (the man is insatiable!! ).

Getting impatient about finding out the results, I've been leaving messages at the hospital for the past week. No one bothered to call me back. This morning, I decided to show up at the hospital and ask to see the ophthalmologist. It turns out he's on vacation and will not be back until October 15th! It seems that no one but him can give me the results. His secretary explained it all to me. Apparently, the results are in a computer file and only my doctor has the secret code to access it. He could reveal the code to another doctor, but then he'd have to kill him... It's all very James Bond-sy!

I guess I'll just have to distract myself with IB for the next four weeks . Could be worse .

PS: The title of this blog was borrowed from Gilda Radner's memoir about her struggle with ovarian cancer, entitled, you guessed it: "It's Always Something".

I was very excited today. The kids have been on vacation with their dad for the past two weeks. This is the longest period of time I have spent away from them. I miss them terribly and the only thing that got me through today was the thought of seeing their adorable faces when picking them up after work.

My ex-hubby said she hadn't been feeling well all afternoon and had a light fever so he gave her some medicine. When we got in the car, I asked her if she was hungry. She said she felt like throwing up. McDonald's & all the popcorn you can eat suddenly didn't feel like such a good idea.

A mom always needs a plan B so I decided to stop by the video store and rent a DVD instead. We would still spend a nice evening together!

When we got home, I laid my daughter on the sofa with pillows and blankets (and a bucket, better be safe than sorry ), turned on the TV and went to fix a light dinner for the three of us. Soup, cheese and crackers it would be!

When I returned to the living room 20 minutes later, my daughter had fallen asleep on the sofa and my son was nowhere to be seen. Turns out he had snuck to his bedroom to be reunited with his passion of the last few months:

I only allow him to play computer games on rainy days. Today qualifies, so he was not technically doing anything wrong. I asked him if he wanted dinner, he said he had been eating chocolate and chips all afternoon and wasn't hungry. This gave me an insight on what might have caused my daughter's nausea!

I went back to the kitchen, ate my soup while leafing through a magazine, checked on my daughter again (she was still fast asleep) and forced my son to have at least some cheese and crackers, which he wolfed down in the time it took me to pour myself a glass of milk. He asked me if he could go back to his video game. I was about to say no, but then realized that since plan A and B had both fallen through, why even bother with a plan C? I told him he could go back to his game. He kissed my cheek, told me he loved me (parenting tip: they always love you when you say yes!) and promised me that he would spend the whole day with me tomorrow.

Now it's 9:30 pm, my daughter has not woken up, her fever has gone down but I dont want to disturb her. I'll let her sleep on the sofa. My son is getting ready for bed, and I have spent the evening surfing the Net, checking up on sleeping beauty and learning how to navigate the World of Warcraft by watching my son play.

Despite the evening's events (or rather the evening's lack of events), I feel content. My kids are with me, the house feels alive again and even the dog seems to be smiling, his buddies are back!

Some days, you just gotta roll with the punches.