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Well, You got the shonen manga feel down real good. I could totally imagine reading it as a manga in Jump By the way, it says the message only allows up to 1500 characters, so I'll post it in two messages

But, there are a few problems. First, there were a few minor grammatical and punctuational errors. Nothing a good double check can't fix Also, I noticed the wording to be slightly strange in places. Such as:

"Moonlight, right now, his journey begins. "

I'm guessing you did this to emphasize the beginning of his journey, but it sounded slightly awkward to me.

"This is the beginning of Moonlight's journey."

^Something like that will clear it up, you can elaborate on it more though. There are a few other spots that are like this, but over all, the writing is very clear and understandable

Now, on to the content of the story.

One huge aspect you have to keep in mind when writing is that the reader usually does not have pictures to go by. They have to come up with the scenes in their head. You did a nice job of portraying the action going on.... but, you never gave any clear description of Moonlight or any other character looks like. What color hair does he have? Eyes? is he short or tall? fat or skinny? those kinds of details. That dosn't mean you have to describe every single character, just the important ones. Continues to next post.

Continued.

Although this is just a personal preference, for minor characters like Etto and Mimasu, I tend to not give them names and just call them by their features such as "the buck-tooth man" or "the bald man", If there are too many names the reader will have trouble remembering who's who (especially if the names are strange sounding to the American ear.) In addition, I found myself getting confused between Mimasu (pun on the japanese phrase "to look" I asume) and Masuru (muscle pronounced in Japanese right?). I had the most trouble on figuring out the two bandits' characters. I imagined them as big, ruff, barbarians.... but at the same time, Masuru said "don't kill any of the villagers." and there was also a scene in which Kimyoo ("Bizarre" or "Strange" in Japanese?) and Masuru say "awesome" and high five eachother. That completely through me off, and I had no idea what the barbarians were like.

Last thing I noticed was that the Water Mages in the beginning.... What were they doing when the villagers were fighting off the Bandits, they would of fared well with the bandits right? Were they from another village?

That's all. Over all, it was pretty enjoyable, and most of all, like I already said. I love the shonen feel you put into the story. As a fellow writer, I wish you good luck, and will be anxiously waiting for the second half of the chapter

Thank you. =]
I changed that "journey begins part" because your suggestion was great. =]
I forgot to describe Moonlight's appearance more. XD Ever since 2002, I imagine him with dark brown air and am now considering a new eye color, he is kind of skinny/average. As for everyone else, I haven't thought of appearances yet. But talking to me about appearance descriptions for this novel really made me think hard about that, I'll take you advice.

As for Mimasu and Etto, I didn't know what to call them besides "villagers". But simple stuff like "buck-tooth" or "bald" are great choices. How could I have not thought of that. @_@ I may changed their titles soon. Thank you. =D

Apparently I had a feeling Mimasu and Masaru would get mixed up. XD I didn't think of how Masaru sounded like "muscle" until you said so. O__O
(continues on next)

I changed the "don't kill anyone line" since it was kinda off to me.
That part with the two random bandits saying "Awesome" and high five part bothered me too, so I simply changed it to "It worked!"

As for the Japanese puns with Kimyoo (Strange) and Shoori (Victory), I want to try avoid using jokes like that in the future. English - "I am Usopp" Japanese - "Ore wa Usoppu" also means "I am a liar."

The bandits come in a variety of appearances, young, old, mucular, big, skinny, but most look barbaric.

As for the water mages, they have no experience in using water magic in combat and stayed at the shelter. They come from a different village.

Thank you for the review and tips.

I just finished reading the end of chapter one. I'm excited to see what happens next

Oops, I have a typo right at the last sentence. I can't do much on deviantART with this computer I'm using, so I fixed it on livejournal now. XD In my scraps section on my deviantART, there is a character bio on Moonlight. This bio page will only update with another character when one joins Moonlight.