Wow.

I enjoy R-Rated Horror because (as I've said many times) I enjoy watching people get dismembered by an indiscriminate force. I knew it had that, AND it was in 3-D. I was so excited for this movie. Imagine a head getting chopped off and flying in your direction. Heaven!

However, My Bloody Valentine 3-D is a great example of how a horrifyingly bad story can ruin everything.

A guy named Tom returns to his hometown to sell the mine his family owned. It's 10 years after 22 people were massacred in the mine. The guy who did it is apparently dead, but after Tom returns to town people start getting slaughtered again so he's suspected of being the killer. There's really no explanation as to why the original killer went on a killing spree. Heck, there's really no reason as to why the current guy is on a killing spree.

The characters are pretty worthless too. I could care less that Tom sorta misses his old girlfriend Sarah, who's now married to their old friend Axel (who you'll recognize as "one of those guys from Dawson's Creek"), who's secretly screwing Sarah's employee Megan. They introduce these characters in the opening flashback as teens (which you don't realize it's a flashback until it's over...STUPID), and throughout the rest of the film they proceed as if we know them like they were our BFF.

The 3-D for this movie was underutilized and 100% oversold in the commercials. Yeah you get an eyeball here, blood flying there, but it was more of a hinderance than anything. The daytime scenes were fine, but when it was nighttime it was a little too dark to see much given the fact the glasses are tinted. You're almost better off watching it all blurred without the glasses.

Yes I laughed at the deaths. I found some of them quite humorous. I mean how is it not funny when a guy rips your jaw clean off with a pickaxe? However, all of that was VOID once we were subjected to "the big reveal." I think it was the worst "reveal" of a killer in the history of movies. The reasoning behind it is enough to make you take the 3-D glasses and poke your eyes out with them, then have your friends dump your body in the blue "Recycle Your 3-D Glasses Here" box placed outside the theater entrance.

Sitting in my desk at work, there's a partially-written, "horror-ish" mini-movie script that I started a long time ago. I'm almost tempted to dig it out and finish it, because I'm sure that it could be better than My Bloody Valentine. Apparently they thought they could get away with creating a crappy movie because viewers would be too distracted by the fact it's in 3-D. My Bloody Valentine 3-D is, so far, the biggest disappointment of 2009.

RATING: 1 out of 10

LoLz Factor: 4 out of 10. The deaths get a little boring after a while (there's only so many ways to kill someone with just a pickaxe). But one of them makes me wonder, are dryers these days powerful enough to burn the flesh off of someone? If so, I may need to look into getting one because the one here at my house sucks. :-/