So lost and disillusioned yeah that's how I feel oh and also it comes from the song feeling this by Blink 182

ok so I am inebriated and I'm feeling kinda down I kinda didn't set of with the idea of getting drunk but hey sh!t happens and ok so I'm just feeling the need to vent and I really cant believe that I'm gonna actually post this cause I've wrote something like this before but deleted it cause I didn't want to. And well I maybe drunk but I want to post this as a sence of I don't know visable awakening of such of how I feel and as a way of marking a kinda set date of mental and I don't know actual date of change for my sake as I've felt this way before.

Ok so I do drink but rarely do I drink to get drunk as a way of I don't know loseing up in order to *shrugs* beable to truly open up to write down how I really feel and or think at times.

I'm like 24 turning 25 in November and unlike most peeps my age or a bit older or younger. Who may already know what they want to be and are working towards them, I totally have no idea as to what I want or should be trying to work towards being.

The sad thing is I never use to be so I don't know pathetic, insecure, weak, unconfident, semi submissive *shrugs*

until I was about to hit my 21st B'day but then again who know. Maybe it's like they say ignorance is bliss,

cause I guess I truly never felt like I was missing something till then and now, and was happy well to a point at what and where I am at.

See I don't know... god I can't believe I'm actually saying/typing this but I guess I need to just let it all out to the world. Well I don't really know my maths, times tables and my writing is that of a I guess 5yr old and my spelling ability is so so at best *shrugs*

I guess it has to do with maybe how some things played out in my childhood and given that fact that I use to be really hyper active but was cla$sed as border line aka not quite ADD or whatever the other one is called. 

Like the fact that basicly through out my primery/elementary and high school years I was picked on and had VERy few friends.  

And like the fact that one of my mum's oldest sister didn't want my mum to keep me, as I learned when I was older and I guess in a way I always kinda felt it.

Even thought I truly don't remember the facts that when ever she or maybe even anyone else in my family as I truly can't remember would only either meet my mum and us at our place or with said aunt at a beach, other then a few brief early childhood memories, plus the fact that I was god I can't belive I'm saying this to you guys but *bites lipss* I was , kinda abused as a 8 maybe even a 7ye old now by a man that had clearly some sort of developmentaly disability  which gaive him the mind like of almost a child I'm .. don't know  I'm not saying any thing more OTHER THEN IT ISN'T AS BAD AS WHATEVER YOU GUYS THINK AND THAT IN A WAY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN INNOCENT IF IT WERE BETWEEN TO 7YR OLD'S (CAPSLOCKS TO EMPHASIZE (STRESS) JUST HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT PERIOD IN MY LIFE NOW AND AT THE TIME THAT IT HAD BEEN DISCOVERED/HAPPENED, PLEASE DON'T ASK ANY MORE OF IT) 

But the ONE SIGNIFICANT thing that stands out at the aftermath of being discovered which looking back at it I am thankful that it had been discovered, it's just is the fact that the a for mentioned Aunt had said TO MY MUM IN FRONT OF ME AND TO ME WAS "HOW COULD I HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN" I remember sitting there for about like a few mins before I left to go to my bedroom my mum hadn't even said anything to her I don't know support me or whart ever ya call it, I didn't cry though or run out the room I just sort of walk out is what I remember.

Ha my mum always says that im kinda selfish as at times a must atmit that I guess to her I can apear to be, but in truth I think that it's just a defence front to protect myself from being hurt or whatever, as we aren't really close thought we still live together but I pay half of everything like I would if I were living with a stranger *shrugs* but in some wayas a pay a little less, whatever it works for me.

Ok so getting back on track to why I'm drunk right now and feeling down I guess it has to do whit the fact that I HATE FELLING SO FULWKING a push over, unsure of what I want to do, kinda shy in real life to strangers though I never use to be that way, as I can't seem to stand up to peeps at times these days.

In fact im so um.... insure cure, somewhat fearfully of putting myself out there to take a chance that despite the fact THAT I TRULY TRULY, WANT TO EVER SINCE I WAS I KID GROWING UP WITH TV SHOWS FROM THE US WANT TO GO TO THE US BUT HAVE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO, (AND I have to say in a way raised me more than my mum ever truly did as in some ways she could and is actually selfish then she thinks I am and could ever truly be) 

Ok so I feel that I'm WAY TOO CHICKEN, FEARFULL, OR WHATEVER YA CALL IT, to actually go there maybey that's why I think and feel that I need to go and have some type of hypnotherapy to help me unlock and work through what's holding me back from living my life and to see a career councilor or someone who can help me figure out what I should work towards being/doing as a career. 

Cause to quote another song lyric taken from the song shattered by  "All I can feel is the realness I'm faking" well at times I have to admit that it is how I feel but only really rarely.                                   

Ha ya know I always say that I'm kinda like a emo as I tended to listen to most emo like songs cause it tends to rely just how I feel even though I might not show it sometimes.

Sometimes I feel and wish I could be more selfish and stand up for myself more and be more confidence again but it seems that unlike others who seem to get things there own way when that do so and not have anything bad happen are ok, when ever I try and do the same how ever small it almost always seems to cause me trouble if its just the spare of them moment i.e. the here and now thing.

It almost always at times seems like others get the best of the deal than I do no matter how small that might be, and I being the ever so in touch with my emotions and depending on said mood could started to feel a little bit more upset then the average person even though I know trhat its NOT my fault or that the reason why the person is upset is in my opinion seems kinda out of line or totally not in order.

Like today just before we were to close the bistro the team leader who I work with got kinda up set with me cause I said that I was going to the restroom the first for that night, now I tend to only go if I really need to at lest once in the night and at the very lest at a time when were not busy.

And yet she got up set with me casue I asked, it's not like we were busy and there was another person with us. I had been asked by the chef to peel the eggs, bag up the noddles, and at the start of the shift grab a second till in case we got busy and we where vaguely. Plush I had to polish with the machine the cutlery, while keeping in eye out on how busy things were which they wheren't So I like don't get her problem as I told her where I was and all she had to do was call out to me and I'd have helped her, but she never did.

Oh and on top of that I'm pis$ed off at myself for almost gaining all the weight I had lost 3yrs ago, see I had been since I turned 12 or 13 I had been gaining weight and had luckly at sorts stayed about the same weight which was 98 KG's I did end up going down to about 76KGs by joining a gym but then some stuff happened I was unemployed and had to give up going to the gym so then partly the weight that I gained back was cause I stoped working out and using weights so my muscles shrinked leveing me feeling yuck I plan to start working again cause I did buy a elliptical machine and I do plan to at lest drop down to a healthy weight by working out on it for 20mins 3 days a week.

I do plan on reporting how much weight I do lose every fews weeks or at the very lest and most likely month, I plan to lose a few KG's.

Well that's it for thins drunken blog I really have know idea as to WHY I did this if ya guys do then tell me, cause I don't really know *shrugs*

GOD I REALLY REALLY THINK I'LL DELEATE THIS LATER WHEN I SOBBER UP CAUSE I CNAT BELIVE THAT I'M SAYING ALL THIS to you guys *shakes and bites lip* its al a bit to I diont know personal but in a way therapeutic I just hate that it has to be so somewhat publise and out there.