Reggie Fils-Aime's Diary - November 2nd, 2009

7:42 AM

Dear Diary,

So far, I have: number one, taken the dog out for a walk, number two, made some coffee, number three, kicked some asses and took some names, and then number four, ate a waffle. Well, that's not entirely true. I drank an uncooked waffle, prepared in the smoothie mixer with two raw eggs and a PlayStation 2. I still have some Sony stuck in my teeth. Gross.

I turned on my custom-made Nintendo Wii and checked the news, which took about twenty minutes to load, which is about twice as fast as most days. Then I saw the headline: Nintendo Profit Slumps.

aaaaaaaaaaARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

REGGIE BE BACK. REGGIE KILL IWATA.

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9:32 AM

Dear Diary,

I travelled to the Nintendo headquarters and kicked some more ass. Iwata's bleeding all over the DSWare team and it's really gross.

So anyway I got to the heardquarters and I went up to him and I grabbed him by his puny little man neck and I said REGGIE ANGRY.

And he was like, Don't hurt me, we've still got like a million sales this month, don't worry, Reggie.

And I was like, okay, number one, do not call me Reggie, I am called the Supreme Wii around here, and number two, don't you forget it, and number three, if we didn't really get a million sales this month then I won't get my daily Playstation 2 intake, and if I don't get my intake then I get pissy, and that was number four by the way, and number five, your hair smells very nice, what shampoo did you use this morning?

And he just smiled all of a sudden and said, well it was some nice discount at a salon where I, when I slugged him across the jaw and he just flew like a bird. And then he started crying and saying that I had a WiiHD motherboard in the hand that I punched him with and that it cut his cheek and I threw the motherboard out the window and said, I don't know what you're talking about.

Time to check e-mail.

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12:47 AM

Dear Diary,

So yeah that bastard Steve Ballmer sent me an e-mail and was like, haha, your Wii ain't so large now is it.

I asked him if his XBox 360 was running. I can't wait until he e-mails me back, because when he does I'll tell him then he better go call the fire department before his house burns down. Hahahaha, oh I crack myself up sometimes.

So I had a few questions about the news about Nintendo's falling profits, and I gave the standard economics 101 response, "Oh, sure, while the derivative of your profits is certainly negative, the profits themselves are positive, and the double prime version of our profits chart show that this is just a minor dip until Christmas where we massively pummel everything else. You gotta look at the macroeconomics, not the microeconomics, seriously, Google this stuff, people."

I'm not going to tell them that the graph I speak of is a picture of a banana I drew on Wednesday to inspire the Donkey Kong team. Something the dirty press doesn't need to know.

So I went down to the Wii Fit team before lunch and tortured them a bit for that Wii fit parody somebody posted on YouTube a few years ago (I will NEVER let them FORGET) and then proceeded to make myself seen, but not heard, around Nintendo HQ.

For lunch, I ate another PlayStation 2. This one was grilled. I was still hungry, though, so I ate an original Xbox for dessert. I hope I have room for supper now.

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