To answer this, I have written a long blog which I have broken into three sections.

1. Disclaimer Note

2. Statistical Misinformation

3. Parenting Advice

DISCLAIMER NOTE

Alright! Where do we begin!? First of all, I am not your baby daddy!!!

If you or someone you know living in Illinois has spawned a goat-headed child with talons, wings, and a creepy smile, I can not be held personally responsible. First, there are plenty of people from the Cain bloodline who may have cursed your womb with an unholy fetus. I am not the only one with the power to do this. Included in this laundry list of culprits are: douchebags, skanks, and Chuck Norris. Beware that men may also be impregnated with demon spawns, which usually happens after Chuck Norris kicks a male assailant in the face during a bar fight. Don't mess with Chuck... you will lose your man-womb to Satanic forces. If you are a pregnant male, you must be prepared to conduct Cesarean section lest you become impotent after the demonic conception.

Second reason why I can not be held responsible for any demon spawns that you might have is that you might be a demon spawn yourself and not even know it. Have you often dreamed that Satan speaks to you through your favorite children's television shows and found yourself drawing pentagrams in your coloring books? Have you ever found yourself mysteriously setting pieces of furniture on fire and may have inadvertently caused your family to die in a fire when you were a child? Do you have a blog on Gamespot!? If you satisfy any of these (or all of these), then you might be a demon spawn. It is too late, don't bother to devote yourself to the good of humanity and work at an orphanage. There is a good chance that you might burn that place down too.

Third reason why I can not be held responsible for any demon spawns that you might have is that I probably am not capable to provide the love and wisdom that only a good father may impart. In fact, I regrettably admit that I may be the exact opposite of a good father. Your child may break curfew, watch television before doing homework, steal from the cookie jar, and other grotesque tom-foolery of uncivilized ragamuffins. Also, because I am a broke college student, your child may often become malnourished under my care and may resort to cannibalism after seeing all those meaty children at preschool. Please do not trust your child in my care, they will probably grow up to be a crazed maniac with an unhealthy willingness to adopt movie characters as surrogate fathers.

STATISTICAL MISINFORMATION

Alright, enough of your self righteous diatribe 31160618; it is time to get to the cold, dirty truth about the birth rates of feathers and fangs in Illinois! Here, I have charted the growth of children born with feathers, fangs, and both in the great state of Illinois.

Utilizing the most effeminate colors that I could think of, I tried to make my demon chart look more like an intestinal tract that has been freshly ripped out of some cute and cuddly forest creature (quite possibly a baby squirrel or even a bunny rabbit).

Originally, feathered children were very much despised and often used as firewood during a cold day in the mountains or sold to traveling caravans to be used in freak shows. However, with the recent rise in cosplay (and inevitably cosplay-based procreation)... one may not know whether his/her sexual partner(s) are humans dressed up in bird costumes or actual bird people from the ancient city of Atlantis. As a result, one cautions sexually active people to make sure that their partner is of the desired mating specie before engaging in any form of cosplay mating.

Fangs have always been popular, especially in the BDSM and vampiric cults that litter Illinois and the American Midwest in general. Recently, a huge spike in fang births have occurred during the Jurassic Park 2 movie, as a result with the public's fascination with dinosaurs mixed with dinosaurs fleeing their birthplace in Isla del Norte (see Crichton's book) to mainland USA. The fang birthrate incidentally dropped dramatically when instead of begetting an Olympic race of Raptor children, parents gave birth to a primordial slimebag of vital organs with protrusions of random dorsal fins, tentacles, and eyeball colonies. Here is a diagram of three species that I've witnessed.

Recently, the fang birth rates have risen again as a result of the mutant freaks combining their powers together to form a traveling caravan to monopolize the freak show business. Plastic surgery has an underground black market for plastic surgery done on babies and malpractice often results in a child to have fangs among additional appendages (extra vital organs or dorsal fins). Other sources of fangs may include the following: brushing teeth with knife sharpeners, children super-gluing fangs to their gums to look cool, and 31160618 frequenting college parties.

Last, but not least, we will talk about demon births. I implore you to take a look at the birth rate of demons. As you can see, demon births have stayed at 666. The reasoning behind this is that at any one time, there are only 666 chosen children-manifestations of certain demons to prepare Earth for the coming Apocalypse. These are an elite group, where one must kill another to take their position as a dark lieutenant of Morning Star. These killings often takes place in a Colosseum on top of Mt. Doom at Doom Island where CEO candidates of military-industry complexes (i.e. Disney Enterprises) duke it out with bare hands in a pit of fire and brimstone. The surviving candidate then has to rip out the heart of their opponents (again with his/her/its bare hands) and serve it in a dish with red wine and a hint of cianti. Afterwards, the CEO candidate is sworn in by dark bloodletting ritual.

Parenting Advice

Alright, so now that we have analyzed the population growth of children with fangs and feathers in Illinois, we will now get to solutions for this epidemic. Now, at first, one may be compelled to instill humanity in the demon child-manifestation by taking the child on nature walks, raising the child in the suburbs, and having the child study at a prestigious learning center such as Harvard. Unfortunately, this is fatally flawed in that the child-manifestation was evil to begin with and will inevitably embrace its dark destiny (see Ted Kaczinski). Instead, a parent (once realizing that their spawn is of demonic origin) must do their best to promote the skillset of their demon child.

Demon children are inherently aggressive, ruthless, and manipulative; thus, you may be manipulated to doing the child's whim. To hone these traits in your child, you must respond with equal aggression, ruthlessness, and manipulation. For example, let's say that your child loves lollipops. In order to use candy cane as part of the dark training procedure, a parent may duct tape their child to a chair and force them to watch hours of George Carlin shows everyday. In conclusion of each session, the child will be tested on his/her cynicism of humanity. If the child does not answer each question correctly, the child gets beaten with a candy cane. If the child answers all the questions correctly, the child is given a piece of candy cane... then the candy cane is taken away... then the child is savagely beaten with said piece of candy cane. In no time, the child will find an escape route, murder you, and proceed to rule the global market with similar ruthlessness and wanton brutality.

Thank you for spending this hour with me. I certainly hope that it has been much of a pleasure reading this as it was for me to write it.

Diabolically Laughing,

31160618