The New Kid
The beginning of a new friendship.
It was a normal day in Amity Park, wake up, get a shower, getting dressed, stuffing the box ghost into the Fenton thermos, riding the school bus to school. When Danny got to class he said his hello’s to his two and only friends, Sam, his gothic friend and Tucker, his techno geek friend. They are the only two who knows he’s also Danny Phantom. Or so they thought…
When the three friends got to class, it seemed quiet, too quiet. When Mr. Lancer walked into the classroom, he welcomed the class with a “Good morning class. We have a new student today. Please welcome Angel Hall!” A tall figure, walked into the classroom. She had short black hair pulled up into a messy bun. She had ice blue eyes. Angel had on a black belly shirt with a belly ring that looked like a black E with white flames surounding it. She also had a black mini skirt on.
Danny whispered to his friends “She looks a lot like my cousin, Danielle, don’t she?”. They replied with a nod. Angel finally spoke up and said, “Good morning class. It’s nice meeting you all!” Mr. Lancer told her she could sit anywhere she wanted to. Danny was wishing that she would notice him. He could of swore she looked over his way. Before he knew it, she was sitting right next to him
Suddenly Danny’s ghost sense went off. Sam thought she saw a wisp of icy blue air come out of Angel’s mouth too. Danny and Angel both raised their hands and asked “May I go to the bathroom?”. Of course Mr. Lancer replied with “School hasn’t even started yet!”. The both of them sighed. Angel starts a conversation with Danny. Sam and Danny both asked “Are you by any chance a halfa?”. Angel looked nervous, and was shaky. She said “N-no…”. She then stuck her head back into writing her story.
Danny, Sam, and Tuck were all suspicious. They then glanced at each other. Danny asked Angel if her and her parents wanted to come over his house after school. Angel looked embarrassed. “I-I-I have um, I don’t have any parents…” She said sadly. “I am so sorry! What happened Angel?”. Angel just ignored him and went back to writing her story. “If you want to you can come over and meet my parents and my older, and annoying, sister Jazz. Just to warn you, my parents hunt ghosts.” Danny asked Angel. “I-I guess so-- Did you say ghosts? I love ghosts! Anything that’s paramormal I like. I have a few inventions of my own. I know this may sound cheesy, but, you know when you and Sam asked me if I was a halfa? Well… I lied. I’m also known as Ember.” “You-you-you’re a halfa? I’ve heard of you!” Danny was surprised. “I also know your Danny Phantom-” “You what?!?” Danny couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I promise I won’t tell anyone your secret. As long as you don’t tell anyone.” Angel was telling Danny. “Can I tell Sam and Tuck?” Danny was eager to find out. “Sure… As long as they don’t tell anyone. And I mean anyone.” Angel warned Danny.
Suddenly, the bell rang. The two didn’t know that they talked all through language arts. They thought to them selves, “Wow. That was an amazing conversation…”. Sam wasn’t paying attention in class at all. Instead, she was busy thinking about what Danny and Angel were talking about. While she was thinking, she heard Angel asking if he wanted to come over her house instead…
Comments
If you're looking for constructive critisizm, (if you aren't, sorry, but it's reflexive...) I'd tell you to stay in one tense. you jump from past tense (saying 'she moved to the left, then she jumped')to present tense ('she *starts* to talk'). also, don't use 'was' so often.
You did do well on other things. Description was good, and I liked how you set things up to move the story along, like inviting angel over to Danny's house and Angel not having parents and all. I also like the 'Sam' insight. it's not something I see often in fanfictions that people write for the first time ever. It sets up a universal view and different way of presenting the facts. I like it!
So good job! Oh, and if you used the smaller font, it might take up less space. Good story so far!
(man, my comment was long.)
By the way, for some strange reason when you sent it to me by email, it had some wingding type characters in place of some of the letters so that I really couldn't read it. If you email me any more chapters, enclosing it as an attached document might be better than doing a copy and paste to the body of the email. Or if you continue posting chapters in your blog, I'll enjoy them here.
Not good.) I want to see where you're steering this.The one thing that sort of nagged me, though, (please don't take it in offense; just a bit of constructive criticism) was how Sam and Danny just asked Angel if she was a halfa straight out after catching a glimpse of her ghost sense, and how she trusted them so quickly. (She said no the first time, but all it took was hearing Danny talk about ghosts to fess up.) The only other piece of constructive criticism I have is maybe spacing things out after someone speaks. Like instead of putting it like this: “I also know your Danny Phantom-” “You what?!?” you might want to write:
“I also know your Danny Phantom-”
“You what?!?”
*shrugs* It just makes things a little easier to read, is all. Keep writing, and I'll be sure to check out your next story blog.
MichaelDJ54