Adam Green’s Hatchet is a return to the good ol’ days of horror, when scares weren’t computer-generated, when gallons of fake blood were splashed on trees, when men were men (until things got...

Adam Green’s Hatchet is a return to the good ol’ days of horror, when scares weren’t computer-generated, when gallons of fake blood were splashed on trees, when men were men (until things got scary, at which point they squealed like little girls), women were scantily clad, and boys were deformed psychopaths with a taste for unique weaponry. It’s Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and Ben (Joel David Moore) has reached booze and boobs overload. Recently dumped and pining after his girlfriend, he enlists his pal Marcus (Deon Richmond) to accompany him on a swamp tour in a boat that travels the spooky murk surrounding the city. Marcus is less than enthused until the crew of the low, low, low (low) budget movie “Bayou Beavers” signs on, including amateur cameraman Shapiro (Joel Murray), pneumatic Misty (Mercedes McNab) and ditzy Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavanti). Joining them on the rickety cruiser are the painfully wholesome couple Mr. and Mrs. Permatteo (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo) and the beautiful-but-sullen Marybeth (Tamara Feldman). Led by the P.T. Barnum of the swamp tour industry, fast-talking but slow-thinking showboater Shawn (Parry Shen) the tourists are decidedly underwhelmed by the fog, low-hanging branches and aggressively quiet sounds that Shawn tries to pass off as frightening. He launches into the story of Victor Crowley – yup, a legend in these parts – who is known to haunt the swamp. The boaters wave off the story as part of Shawn’s continuing nonsense – except for Marybeth, who is notably discomforted. While jabbering on, Shawn steers the boat into a berm in the middle of the swamp, trapping the tourists in the middle of the water as the craft starts to sink. Their only hope is to scale a fallen tree to the shore – but the alligators in the marsh have a different idea. Marybeth whips out a gun, fires, and scares the critters off, but not before Mr. Permatteo suffers a nasty gash that requires immediate medical care. On shore, Marybeth takes command, reveals herself to be a local, and explains why she’s armed: the story of Victor Crowley, as it turns out, isn’t a myth. Born severely disfigured, Crowley grew up to the torments of the children in the area. Despite his horrifying condition, his father loved him deeply, caring for him and protecting young Victor from the cruel taunts of his peers. One Halloween, however, the local kids decided to pull a prank on the Crowleys by scaring Victor out of the seclusion of his cabin – a trick that ending in tragedy. Since that day, Victor Crowley was rumored to haunt the swamp, calling out in desperate pain for the aid of his father – and seeking revenge on those who plagued him. The area of the swamp where the Crowley house stands has been off-limits for years, Marybeth reveals. But several days ago, Marybeth’s father and brother – presuming that they’d hit the mother lode in a restricted area – disappeared in the forbidden zone while hunting for alligators. She suspects they met a bad end, and she wants to investigate the area around Victor Crowley’s house…which is, of course, looming just up the hill from where the swamp boat sank. The tourists blame Marybeth for telling tales and giving them the heebie-jeebies, writing her off as another deep-fried Southerner gone soft in the head. Ben isn’t so sure that Marybeth is cracked, and figures that there is no way that helping out a pretty gal can end badly. Ben, of course, is wrong… because then Victor Crowley appears and proves – in the grand tradition of Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger – that sometimes it is best to bury the hatchet…in someone.